Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Favorite Website...

mylitter.com - a savings website from a mom of seven! If anyone knows how to save, it's her. Full of deals, coupons, and ideas.

The Outsider

All my life all I ever wanted was to be included. To be part of the crowd and not outside it. To be inside and not on the outside looking in. All my life I wanted to be a part of a family, but the older I get the more alone I feel.

I want to be included but I don't know how to take the first step. I've always waited for the other person to approach or call me first. Maybe it's a self confidence problem or low self esteem. I'm not the most social person and people mistake that for rudeness but I long to be a part of something.

I've always wanted a family of my own and now I have to accept that that may not happen. I'm an only child from a small, older family. The relationship I thought I would have with my in-laws has never really fully developed. At this point in my life I have never felt more alone. My marriage isn't perfect and my friends are few and far between. I realize by not working and living in 5 different states, I may have dug myself into a hole. A hole where there is no one but myself to blame.

The people I thought would be there for are not. Friends come and go, and family either keeps in touch or doesn't.  Just because you're family doesn't mean they care. Just because you're friends now, doesn't mean you'll be friends in ten years. That's the way it is. Family is what you make it-blood or not. Friends are people who stick around and care about you and what you're doing. We all want to be included and a part of something. No one wants to be alone and that includes shy, quiet people like me. I'm not rude, I just don't know how to take the first step. I'm still trying to find out where I belong. I'm still trying to figure out who's there for me and who's not. It's not an easy process but in order to grow you must first pull out all the weeds. 

Friday, July 22, 2011

To Trust or Not To Trust

I think everyone want to trust the person they're with. You should be able to. If you're in a committed relationship, trust should not be an issue. It should just be there.

When you don't trust someone, even if it's just 1%, the issue is always there. Like a wound that leaves a scar, once your trust has been broken, you will never forget it. The pain may go away but the scar is still there. It reminds you of the pain.

I think every woman who sees their partner texting or emailing, wonders who's on the other end. He may say it's a friend or a family member, but you still wonder. There's always going to be that small part of you that wonders what's really going on.

The other part of the equation is that if he is cheating on you, you will get hurt and you will have to acknowledge it and deal with it. No one wants to hurt but you don't want to live a lie either. Decisions will have to be made and tears will flow. Do you trust him or do you even want to know.

Some men believe cheating is only physical. I do not. Don't get me wrong, physical cheating is a dealbreaker but emotional cheating hurts just as bad. Cheating is cheating. If it hurts your partner, it's cheating. If you have to lie and sneak around, it's cheating.

Trust is a double edge sword. You trust until it hurts and then you trust no more. The wound will heal and leave a scar. That scar will never let you forget that once you trusted another with all your heart, only to be betrayed. Once trust is gone, everything else will fall apart. So you better decide now, to trust or not to trust, that is the question.

Favorite Website...

athriftymom.com - thrifty living resources, coupons, deals, sales, etc. If you're looking to save money, this is a good place to go. Favorite part of the website is the live chat. Chat with readers or A Thrifty Mom herself, share thoughts and ideas on saving money. Very helpful.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

No More Mr. Nice Guy

In general, I think I'm a nice person. I try to be kind and polite to everyone I meet. I try. I don't go looking for trouble. But I'm also not a pushover either. Cross me and the claws come out. Bottom line is I don't take crap.

I'm a shy person and sometimes I'm afraid to speak up. Because of this I believe some people, especially when I was younger, took advantage of me. Part of it was my fault based on my personality. But the older I get, the more assertive I am. I'm not a pushover anymore, especially when I believe I'm right. I'm not taking anyone's crap. The good, quiet girl is gone and underneath is a volcano waiting to erupt.

There's the old saying nice guys finish last and I believe that to be true. Sometimes being nice doesn't cut it. If you want something, you have to go after it and not let anyone stand in your way. Not everyone is going to be your friend or wants to be. Business is business and don't take it personally. People say the squeaky wheel gets the oil. Sometimes you have to speak up even if it's against your personality. You can't let people walk all over you. Speak up and let them know you exist. You have a right to be heard even if you have to scream it from the top of your lungs. You can still be nice but don't be so nice that people take advantage of you. That's not right. The good, quiet girl I used to be has grown up and if the world around me won't take me seriously, it's time to make them. My time has come and it is now.  

Friday, July 8, 2011

An Infertile Woman

I don't know what to do anymore. I've cried, prayed, begged, visualized, repeated positive affirmations, and yet nothing seems to work. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I feel numb. Nothing we're doing is working. I'm afraid to have hope because every month it quickly turns into disappointment. I'm tired, boy, am I tired. Tired of trying so hard when others don't have to. Tired of seeing and hearing about other people getting pregnant and having babies. I can't look anymore at your pictures and read your posts. In order to protect myself I have to look away now. The pain is to great to bear.

I hate to say I don't care anymore because I will always want to get pregnant. But I can't look at baby pictures hoping and praying that one day that will be me. It's not that I don't care, I just can't think about it anymore. It hurts my head and my heart. It gives me hope and I don't want to hope anymore. I don't want to think anymore or stare at baby pictures. It hurts too much. The longer it takes, the more far away it feels. Now I have to walk away. The thought, the dream will always be there but I can't dwell on it or I'll go insane. So forgive me if I'm not excited about your pregnancy or if I don't want to hold your baby but I rather be stabbed a million times in the heart. You don't know my pain or what I'm going through . Don't try to relate. You're not in my shoes.

There comes a point in every situation when you need to face reality, and the reality is this may never happen. The thought alone kills me. Just thinking about it breaks my heart. I'll never stop trying or hoping but I have to let it go like a coin in a fountain and just hope that one day my wish will come true.