Vacation

Starting tomorrow, my husband will be on vacation for nine days. He's looking forward to it, I'm not.
We don't have any plans and not a lot of money. This should be interesting. My husband promised me it's not going to turn into a booze fest as he calls it, but we'll see. I know better. Anyway, I won't be posting a lot. I'll try to post when I can. Wish me luck and I hope I survive this vacation in one piece.

Food Journal 9/24/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- ravioli (bad)

dinner- rice and beans w/ avocado

Therapy

Today was my weekly therapy appointment. Before my appointment, I actually felt good about myself and thought I was making some progress. After my appointment, I was a mess. I guess nothing has changed. I've always known that I'm depressed but when my therapist says it and suggests I get on antidepressants, it makes me even more depressed. You know things are bad when even your therapist feels sorry for you. I thought therapy was suppose to make me feel better but now I feel much worse. My therapist made some valid points about my life but I didn't get here overnight and nothing's going to change overnight either. I feel stuck and trapped. I don't want to be dependent on a pill for happiness. Nothing seems to be working and I have no one to blame but myself.

Menu Monday 9/23/2013

Dinner ideas-

tacos
beans and rice
reubens
orange chicken
chili lime shrimp
jambalaya
sloppy joes
chili
shrimp stir fry
chicken parmesan
taco macaroni

Food Journal 9/23/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- pizza rolls (bad)

dinner- spaghetti

Food Journal 9/22/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- Caesar salad

dinner- shrimp, mango and avocado tacos

Food Journal 9/21/2013

breakfast- toast

lunch- salad w/ tomatoes, cucumbers and bleu cheese

dinner- chicken Caesar salad

Food Journal 9/20/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- hot pocket (bad)

dinner- pork roast w/ carrots, mushrooms, potatoes and gravy

Food Journal 9/17/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- leftover tomato ricotta pasta

dinner- chicken picatta w/ German potato salad

Food Journal 9/16/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- leftover BBQ pulled pork sandwiches

dinner- tomato ricotta pasta

Food Journal 9/15/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- hash browns and eggs w/cheese

dinner- BBQ pulled pork sandwiches

Food Journal 9/14/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- salad w/ tomato, green onion, bleu cheese and Italian dressing

dinner- Mongolian beef w/ rice

Breakfast and Guilt

My husband made me breakfast this morning in an attempt to make up for the drinking on his days off. He went to the bar twice this weekend plus what he drinks at home. Wednesday was the worst. He drank and then spends all night on the phone either texting or calling people, meanwhile my daughter and I sit on the couch. We might as well not have even been there. Then he puts in a violent R rated movie while our daughter is still awake. It didn't take him long to pass out though. I put the baby to bed and shut the movie off. Then I saw his phone was flashing so I checked the caller id and it was from a female coworker. I didn't read it but I could have. I was already pissed off so I just went to bed alone while he slept on the couch. Great night. Thursday was a little better but not by much. He has a vacation in a few weeks and we have no plans or even money to do anything. Sucks. I am not looking forward to it but he made me breakfast this morning so everything's better, right? Bacon and eggs don't replace feeling alone, angry, and sad but nice try. Maybe my husband should try cutting back on the booze and spending more time with his family. Is that too much to ask?

Food Journal 9/13/2013

breakfast- scrambled eggs w/ ham and bacon (husband made breakfast)
                 toast and banana (shared w/ my daughter)

lunch- salad w/ cheese, ham, tomato and Italian dressing

dinner- buffalo chicken wraps

Food Journal 9/10/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- beefaroni (bad)

dinner- BLT on wheat bread w/ avocado

Menu Monday 9/9/2013

Dinner ideas-

buffalo chicken wraps
tacos
beans and rice
reubens
orange chicken
chili lime shrimp
Mongolian beef
jambalaya

Food Journal 9/9/2013

breakfast- banana and half a Clif bar

lunch- brownie from a neighbor (bad)

dinner- vegetable quesadilla

Food Journal 9/8/2013

breakfast- banana and toast w/ jam

lunch- turkey and cheese sandwich

dinner- chili

Food Journal 9/7/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- hot pockets (bad)

dinner- sesame chicken with rice

Food Journal 9/6/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- nachos

dinner- spaghetti

Food Journal 9/3/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- leftover salsa verde

dinner- lemon butter fish w/ mashed potatoes

Menu Monday 9/2/2013

Dinner ideas for this week-

sesame chicken
chili
buffalo chicken wraps
tacos
beans and rice
spaghetti
nachos
reubens
orange chicken
chili lime shrimp
Mongolian beef
jambalaya

Food Journal 9/2/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- peanut butter and jelly

dinner- pork salsa verde w/ rice

My Neighbor

My neighbor died of cancer. He had a rare form of cancer and died at home. He was only two years older than me and had two kids. He seemed like a nice guy. He would always wave and say hello. I look across the street now and see his truck parked in the driveway, his camper in the backyard, and the shed he built before he got too sick to do anything. His girlfriend doesn't get as many visitors anymore. I watched them remove the body from the house. Then they removed all the medical equipment and his family left. Just like that.

Since his death, I've done a lot of thinking and have come to two conclusions. One, you either choose life or death. How many of us are really living? Or are we just going through the motions? Two, if you want a different life you have to do things differently. You can't do the same thing everyday and expect a different result. No one is going to knock on your door and change your life. You have to do that yourself. My neighbor's death at such a young age from a rare form of cancer has got me thinking - am I living the life I want to live? What can I do differently to change my life? Some people live to a be a hundred and some people die from cancer at age forty in their house. You never know when you or your loved ones are going to go. We have to start living, we have to take chances, we have to do things differently, right now.

Food Journal 9/1/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- zucchini quesadillas

dinner- chicken parmesan