Three Good Things

Things here are not good and I have no idea how to make them better. I've come to the conclusion that on some level I've been emotionally abused. My husband doesn't call me names but he's not very nice to me either. I don't feel respected or supported. I know half of this is my fault. I let him do this to me. My lack of self esteem has allowed him to walk all over me. I feel trapped, suffocated and alone like an animal in a cage. There's no way out and I'm running out of ideas to make this work.

There are three things holding me together at this point - my daughter, my parents, and my therapist. I love being with my daughter, I look forward to talking to my parents and hopefully seeing them again soon, and I look forward to talking to my therapist every week. Therapy is a like a spa for your head. I walk out feeling refreshed until my next appointment. Those are the three things that keep me going. I have to focus on those three things.

The one thing that brings me down is my husband. His drinking is like a black cloud that is always around us. There is nothing between us anymore. His drinking disgusts me. I wish I didn't have to be around someone who is so sick and in such denial. He brings me down but I have three things that bring me up. I must focus on those three things like my life depends on it, because it does.

Intentions

What is your intention? Intention is your purpose. It can be anything really. What you want out of life, what you want to happen this year, this month, or this week. Once you have your intention, you need to take action. Don't just sit there and let time pass you by. Start by breaking down your intention into small goals. The small steps you take today will lead you to your true intention. Start today and focus on what you can do to make changes or to make things happen. Don't wait until the day before or when your older etc. Those are excuses. Focus on today and take an action step for a better tomorrow.

Here are some examples to help you get started. You want to go on a trip but you need to save money. How are you going to do that? Let's break it down. You can use coupons to save money, buy things on sale, buy used, shop at thrift stores and garage sales, find free things to do in your community. There's your action plan. Another example is trying to lose weight and get healthy. You know you need to exercise and eat right. Break it down into small steps. Try walking everyday or having a salad for lunch instead of fast food. Your intention is to lose weight, you create an action plan, and now do it everyday. Of course there will be days you fall off the wagon and eat cake or skip walking but that's ok. Reset your focus on tomorrow. Don't give up.

In any given situation, always ask yourself what's your intention. Figure that out and focus on it. Make it happen by breaking it down into little steps and take action. This will lead you to your true purpose for a better and happier life.

Internal Conflicts

Sometimes I feel like there is a tug of war going on in my head and heart. I live in one place but sometimes I wish I was someplace else. I'm married but sometimes I don't want to be around my husband. I know I need to go out more and be more social but sometimes I just want to stay home. I know I have to visit my in laws sooner or later but again, I don't want to. What makes it harder is I don't have a lot of choices in these matters. Not a lot of good choices anyway. I'm stuck. I think these issues is what contributes to my current mental state. I'm living a life I don't want to live and there's nothing I can do about it. That's why I'm so depressed, sad, lonely and bored. I finally figured it out. I know I need to make the best of it and accept things for how they really are but there's a part of me that wishes I was someplace else, with someone else. I know that place I would be happy because I've been there before. It's called home.

Good Week, Bad Week

Good week, bad week, good week, bad week, that's how it goes. I saw my therapist last week and told her things were improving. Little did I know. Just when I think things are going well I get slapped in the face. I won't go into detail but I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm tired that my husband won't accept responsibility for his actions or being part of this relationship. I'm tired of games and lies. I'm tired of it and I don't know what to do. I'm done. This week was bad, hopefully next week will be better but who knows.

Running from Loneliness

My biggest fear is being alone. Even though I'm married and have a child I feel very alone. If my marriage doesn't work out and I'm forced to stay where I'm currently living ( I don't want to but due to custody issues I might have to) I will be even more alone than I already feel. The one thing that I've been afraid of all my life is slowly happening and it's all my fault. I think when you're afraid of something, you invite that fear into your life. My fear of loneliness has made me cling to some people and pushed others away. Now I have dug myself into a hole and I can't see a way out. I'm running from something I already have. Now what do I do?

My Doormat Moment

You know how Oprah has her a-ha moments, well I have doormat moments and one happened last night. My mother in law called me last night and told me to do something that she thought I already knew about. I didn't. Apparently my father in law was suppose to tell my husband who was suppose to tell me. I didn't know we were in grade school again playing games. Why my mother in law didn't call or email me directly and ASK me to do her a favor I will never understand. I'm not a dog and I don't like being told what to do. I'm a human being with feelings and I liked to be asked. Just because I'm a stay at home mom doesn't mean I sit around all day waiting for something to do.

It's hard to stand up for yourself. Especially when you're not used to doing it but some people need to learn a lesson. If something involves me I need to be asked not told, no matter what my schedule looks like. Standing up for yourself is scary but also powerful. I am in control of my life and my time. I choose how to spend it and who I spend it with. Not only do I need to remind myself of that but also other people. This is my life.

Life Equations

Boundaries = Respect

If you have boundaries, you have respect. This includes respect for yourself and respect for other people's boundaries as well. Don't be afraid to say no. Protect and take care of yourself.

Choices = Consequences

We have the power to make choices everyday. Some choices are big and small, some are positive and negative. All choices have consequences. If you make a choice, plan on dealing with consequences.

Power = Control

If you have power over your mind and body then you are in control. If you let someone else have that power then you are no longer in control. Don't give your power away. Don't let someone else control you.

My New Mantra

I found this online. It's the three principles of self-referral by Deepak Chopra.

1. I am totally independent of the good or bad opinions of others.
2. I am beneath no one, and no one is beneath me.
3. I am fearless in the face of all challenges.

Live it, love it, learn it. I plan on saying this many times a day until I get it. I hope it helps you too.

Update 2/14/2014

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Nothing new or different to report. My husband quit therapy and is still drinking. As a matter of fact, he passed out on the toilet last night. Sexy, right? I still go to therapy every week. I'm going to see my parents in April. My mother in law is flying down next month to babysit so we can have a date night but she's coming on a weekend when my husband has to work. That makes sense, right? And of course no one has asked my opinion about this whole matter. I guess I'm suppose to sit here and take it. A lot has happened that's not even worth talking about because it's all lies and games and bullshit. I won't even waste your time. When you live with an alcoholic that's pretty much standard.

I'm trying to be strong and not get sucked into all this garbage but I'm not happy and I'm trying to keep my head above water at this point. I've decided if I can't help myself that I will try to help others in any way I can. I just sent this little boy a birthday card. His mom asked if he wanted a party for his birthday and he told her he has no friends and everyone makes fun of him because he's autistic. His mom started a Facebook page for him called happy birthday Colin. You can either send him a card or post a message on his page. I thought I would send him a card. That's the least I could do. I'm going to look for more opportunities like that to help others. Maybe if I help enough people someone will help me or something good will happen to me. Karma, right? It can't hurt.

Changes - Cable

In an attempt to make positive changes in my life, I downgraded my cable to the most basic package. This will save me money and time. I lost a few favorite channels but there are other things to do in life than watch TV. This will motivate me to get off the couch and do something. I hope to get a life not watch it go by. I plan on reading and cooking more, and spending more time with my daughter. Now I have no excuse. I must think of something to do other than watch TV. I hope to make more positive changes in the future and I will keep you updated.

No Respect

I'm a stay at home mom and that's a choice I made. I feel I'm doing the right thing by staying home with my daughter. Not every day is easy or fun. It's actually a lot of hard work, much harder than I thought it would be. I've thought about going back to work on the bad days. You always think the grass is greener on the other side until you get there.

What bothers me though is the way I'm treated especially by people who work. Just because I'm home doesn't mean I watch TV all day. I do have a schedule. It may be more flexible than yours but I have one. I do have things to do like child care, cleaning and cooking. Things you pay other people to do, I do all day long, every day. I don't get weekends, holidays or vacations. If anything, I work harder on those days. I remember birthdays because I care not because I have time to remember. I don't sit around and look at a calendar all day. I have things to do too, you know? I'm tired of hearing how busy working people are. I'm busy too. It's the same but different. Respect that.

Another thing that bothers me is that no one asks me how I'm doing or how my day went. I know my day is boring to you - dishes, laundry, diapers. Sometimes I'm bored too. And I know you do the same thing but it would be nice if someone asked or took an interest in me. Even my husband isn't interested in me anymore. I guess when you have a baby you're not fun or interesting.

I love being with my daughter and watching her grow but I hate the way the outside world treats me. I tell people I'm a stay at home mom and the conversation ends. I hate the fact that people don't respect me because I don't get dressed up, sit in traffic, go to an office and earn a paycheck. Being a mom is a part of my life not my whole life. I deserve respect too. Next time you meet a stay at home mom, ask her about her day and ask her if she needs help or a break or if she wants to do something fun because I can guarantee the answer will be yes.

Baby Jail

I feel like I had a baby and lost my life. I am now a stay at home mom, morning to night, seven days a week. I can no longer have fun or do anything social without lots of planning, a diaper bag and a stroller. Going from the house to the car alone takes about a half hour plus diaper changes and snacks. Everything must be planned and scheduled either around meal time or nap time. This is my life. I am a mom. Forget my husband and goodbye alone time. I am a mom. I love my daughter but she is a lot of work, time and patience. I can't even imagine having another child by choice. Of course, it doesn't help that we have no family nearby and my husband would rather be at a bar or drinking a twelve pack at home then socialize with us. I am desperately looking for other moms or activities to break me out of baby jail. Living in a small town doesn't help. It only makes me feel more isolated and alone. My husband's drinking doesn't help. No one does. I'm on my own. I'm not a single mom but a lonely one. No friends, no family, and an alcoholic husband. My daughter and I are  trapped in a small house and a small town. How do I break out of baby jail and get a life? I love my daughter and I want to be with her but we need to get out and get away from here. We need to be with people who care and surround us with love and happiness. We deserve better and we deserve to be happy. We deserve to be free.

Seperate Lives

Sorry for the lack of posts but I just needed a break for a while to kind of figure things out.

Anyway, things have been the same. I feel like my husband and I are leading separate lives. He has his work life, his home life with me and our daughter, and then there's the third life. This life does not include me and is very secretive. It involves the cell phone, the computer, drinking, the bar, and other women. Sometimes I think I'm paranoid but there are too many signs. He's very sneaky with the cell phone and computer. He told me the other day he stays up late watching porn on the computer and apparently he's into older women now. That doesn't surprise me because we live in a town full of older, single, divorced, lonely women. It's his playground, my hell.

Me, on the other hand, I feel like I have no life. I need to get a life if I'm going to stay here but I feel like I'm starting from negative zero. My husband has work friends, bar friends, and female friends. At this point he has more female friends than me. It's hard to make a life when I want to be someplace else far away from here. I guess it's like being in prison for a crime you didn't commit and making the best of it but you're always trying to figure a way out. Sometimes I wish I would win a lot of money then I could just leave. I pray sometimes that God will help me find a way out but still be able to take care of me, my daughter, and my parents. I keep waiting for that window or door to open. I keep waiting for some sort of chance or new opportunity. All I want is to be happy and be with my daughter and parents and be with people who want to be around me. Is that too much to ask? I think I deserve that. I think I deserve happiness.

Daily Update 11/16/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- pizza rolls (bad)

dinner- rice, beans and avocado

sleep- about 8 hours

exercise- none

other-

I'm frustrated. My husband and I go to marriage counseling and we're good for that day but then his weekend comes and everything goes downhill. I feel like I'm taking one step forward, twenty steps back every week. It just doesn't make sense. Every weekend is bar, drink, text. Thursday night was especially frustrating. He makes a point to tell me he's shutting off his phone and then a hour later I catch him texting in the kitchen. It took every bone in my body not to say anything. Of course, he said he was doing nothing wrong but then why the games? I wanted to talk about it but he was drunk and I knew he would just lie or blame me anyway so what's the point. I finally spoke to him this morning about it because it was bothering me so much. Of course, he says he's going to change, this weekend will be better, blah, blah blah. I've heard it all before. If only it was true.

Daily Update 11/15/2013

breakfast- toast and banana

lunch- hot pocket (bad)

dinner- fish, mashed potatoes, broccoli

sleep- about 8 hours

exercise- none

other-

Not much to report, same old, same old. My husband's weekend was pretty standard - bar, drink, text, repeat. We did have sex this morning which we haven't done in a long time. Hopefully that shuts him up for a while. All I hear from him is sex, sex, sex but he's always drunk, drunk, drunk. I don't think my husband gets how unattractive he is when he's drunk. The texting doesn't help either. Also, he doesn't brush his teeth before bed so in the morning it's like waking up next to a drunk, dirty dog. Yeah, that turns me on...not.

Daily Update 11/11/2013

breakfast- toast

lunch- beefaroni (bad)

dinner- eggplant parmesan

sleep- 7 hours

exercise- none

Daily Update 11/10/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- eggs and sausage

dinner- chili

sleep- about 8 hours

exercise- none

other-

My husband is back to his normal shift so things are back to normal. I didn't mind him working day shift except it gave him more time to drink at night than working swing shift. I met that girl yesterday that also sees my therapist and we seemed to hit it off. She has a son who is the same age as my daughter and hopefully we can get together and do playdates. She seemed really nice and smart.

Daily Update 11/5/2013

breakfast- toast

lunch- leftover linguine with clams

dinner- tacos

sleep- about 8 hours

exercise- none, too cold

other-

I got to see my therapist yesterday and I feel so much better. I was ready to pack my bags and go but my therapist calmed me down. She's such a nice lady. I feel bad for her because her new secretary quit, the other therapist had a baby, and she has to have surgery. She didn't say what kind of surgery but I hope she's ok. I need her! My husband is working day shift this week so my schedule is upside down but we'll be back to normal on Sunday. I just got a phone call from the girl my therapist gave my number to. I didn't answer because my daughter is sleeping. I'll call her back later and maybe we could meet. I understand she's in the same situation I am- new baby, no family here, except she works and her husband stays home. Interesting. I hope she's nice and we hit it off. It would be nice to have a friend here.

What is Normal?

My husband's weekend totally sucked again. Wednesday he spent two hours at the bar making Halloween bags for the employees' kids. Apparently he works there now. He comes home all happy and talks about what a good time he had, meanwhile I'm at home with the baby. I asked him who he hangs out with at the bar and he says mostly female bartenders and waitresses. What a surprise. I've been told there all old and married but that's never stopped anyone before. Then he precedes to drink and text all night. We try to have sex that night (his idea, not mine) but he's too drunk.

Thursday was Halloween. The best part was taking my daughter trick or treating for the first time. Other than that everything sucked. My husband went to the bar again. He was in charge of handing out candy. When he wasn't handing out candy he was on his phone texting and drinking. My breaking point was when he took a shower and he took his phone into the bathroom with him. Who does that? Is that normal? I don't do that. I finally knocked on the bathroom door and confronted him. We got into a fight in front of our daughter and then he went to bed at 9:45 pm. He was out of beer and I busted him texting in the bathroom so why stay up anymore. I barely slept all night and when I was awake the only thing that brought me comfort was thinking about being with my parents.

Friday morning he had the nerve to ask for sex. Of course, he had forgotten about everything the night before. Don't worry I reminded him and needless to say we didn't have sex. My husband says I don't have a life and I don't do anything but if living is going to a bar, coming home and drinking a twelve pack, being on your phone all night and ignoring your family, then I rather stay home and read a book. Is that normal? I don't know. I don't know what normal people do. I live with an alcoholic. My life is a constant roller coaster and I want to get off. I want to be normal. 

Daily Update 10/29/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- lunchable (bad)

dinner- pork marsala w/ stuffing

sleep- 8 hours

exercise- none

other-

My husband's weekend starts tomorrow. Tomorrow he's suppose to carve the pumpkin and I'm going to buy candy. Thursday is Halloween. My husband will hand out the candy and I'll take our daughter trick or treating. It should be a fun weekend....I hope.