I'm Scared

I'm scared. I'm scared about my parents health and if they'll ever get to meet my baby. I'm scared about raising a baby. She is my responsibility no matter what. I'm responsible for her physically, emotionally, and financially. I'm scared about my marriage and if it's meant to last. I guess I'm scared of life and change, especially the bad and scary changes that keep you up at night.

I try to think positively but the darkness creeps in. What if? What if something bad happens? What if I get hurt? What if I get left alone? What will I do?

I know the best way to conquer fear is through action but what action do I take? What if I make the wrong choice? It's not just my life anymore, it's my daughter, my husband, my parents. We're all affected by the decisions I make.

My parents are ill and I can't be there and that hurts. I don't trust my husband entirely and that hurts. I can't be in two places at once and that hurts. The stronger the love, the more it hurts.

I can't live my entire life being scared but I do worry. Nothing is guaranteed. Every day is precious and a gift. We must make the most of it and have no regrets. Of course, that is easier said than done. I wouldn't be scared if I didn't care. I care so deeply it hurts. It's a double edged sword. I want my daughter to be happy. I want my parents to be ok. I want a husband I can love and trust. I just want everything to be ok.

I guess it's normal as a new mom to be scared and worried constantly. I guess it just goes with the territory. I want my daughter to have a home and family. I want her to know my parents. I want her to have friends and do well in school. I want her to be pretty. Having a baby has opened up my heart. I love more, and I'm scared more. Things are more intense. Life is more in focus.

Sex, Lies, Computers and Cell Phones

Dear Husband,

I love it when you lie to me, then tell me a half truth and expect me to believe it. Please don't ask me to spell words that you are obviously texting to another woman. Please don't tell me you're texting another man "aw shucks". That's a lie and we both know it. If you're texting who I think you are texting then I know (or at least I hope) it's not sexual, but then why won't you tell me who it is.

I think your middle name should be delete since that's your favorite thing to do. Ever since we got high speed internet you have the computer rigged to delete everything after someone signs off. When we had dial up it wasn't like that. Do you think I don't notice? Why do you go on the computer every time I leave the house? I leave the house for five minutes and you jump on the computer. Good thing we got high speed internet, right, honey?

Same thing with your cell phone. Delete, delete, delete (yes, I check your cell phone especially when you've been drinking and fall alseep on the couch.) It seems like the more you drink, the more you text. Years ago I caught you texting another woman inappropriate things. You lied to me, said you would stop and you didn't. So I had to call her because you could not control yourself. Not exactly the proudest moment of my life. I forgive but I don't forget. You never forget the pain of betrayal. So when you drink and text, I think about that incident and my antenna goes up.

This may be a game to you. You may think you're getting away with this. You may even think it's not officially cheating but it is. Anything that hurts me and causes me not to trust you is cheating. What hurts even more is soon we'll have a baby. We will be a family. This child will connect us for life. If you hurt me, you hurt her. If you hurt her, you hurt our chances of being a family. Is it worth it? You decide.

The Calm Before the Storm

I thought having a baby would bring my husband and I closer together. I was wrong. Now we're both freaking out and dealing with it in different ways. I'm a bathroom cryer at midnight. My husband drinks and texts people instead of talking to me. I know something is off and I can feel the distance between us. Is it the baby or something else? I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and he'll blurt it all out. I don't know when or how bad it will be but I do know the storm is coming.

On top of that I have to deal with my mother-in-law. She wants to throw me a baby shower that I don't want - in another city where I don't live. I know she's being nice but it's not what I want. I don't want to offend her but I'm not going to do something that I don't want to do either. There's a fine line between being polite and offending someone. Storm number two is brewing.

My in-laws have graciously offered to buy us a crib and that's sweet but being a first time mom I have no idea what to look for or where to start. I don't have anyone to help me and I feel so lost and confused. Babyland is a confusing place to live. Not only do I have no idea what to buy for a baby, I have no idea how to take care of one either. This is why I cry in the bathroom at midnight while my husband sleeps off his beer in bed. We all have different ways of coping. Between my husband, my mother-in-law and the baby, my life has become the perfect storm of anxiety, excitement, and confusion.

The Five Steps of Life

1. Get up
2. Get through the day
3. Go to bed
4. Repeat
5. Die

A Poem I Found

I don't know who wrote this but it's beautiful.

With every tear that falls, there is a lost heart that calls,
it calls to say I'm here, don't despair, I will come to you.
When the time is right, when you least expect me and through
the quiet night, open your heart to me, accept me, I will be there in the end.
Your wait may be long, you may get frustrated by the whole ordeal,
in the end I will be real.
While others around you are succeeding, your heart goes on bleeding.
I would thank you for being patient,
I would thank you for being the kind of person who shows persistence,
if it was not for this I may never get the chance to have an existence.
In the chaos of your day, the calm of your night, let your heart soar and take flight.
For so many tears, for so many years, you have been trying, thinking of giving up
but never doing it.
In the end you just keep on going in the hopes I will come to you, the one who deserves me,
the one who can love me as no other can.
You will be that mother that you always wanted to be.
Just you keep waiting for me.

Two and a Half Years

I can't believe it's been two and a half years. I didn't think it would take this long. Obviously nothing is working. Doctors, surgery, medications, nothing works, but like fools we keep going back for more.

I'm sad, angry, and frustrated. I want answers not more appointments. I'm tired of being told to wait-wait 3 months, wait a year, things will change. Yeah. right. Nothing changes but my bank account.

I go to doctors and I'm at their mercy. I'm desperate and I want help. They have me where they want me and they know it. I'm putty in their hands. Not anymore. I'm taking charge of my own health. I'm not going to sit there and listen like a good little girl. I know they're the experts but I pay the bill. I want answers and I want a plan. Don't tell me to keep coming back for more. Give me everything you got. I don't have time to wait and try this and that. The clock is ticking and time is running out.

Two and a half years later and I'm still on step one. Step two seems so far away. Every month it gets further and further. I feel like I've tried everything and nothing has worked. If doctors can't help then who can. I thought God wanted a man and woman to procreate. Then why can't we. It's easy to be sad. It's harder to be proactive but the clock is ticking. It's always ticking and never stops. Weeks turn into months, months become a year, and the clock keeps ticking. It never stops and neither will I. 

More Than Just a Wife

I want to be more than just a wife. I would like to be a mom too but as the months and years go by that's becoming increasingly difficult. A wife, unlike a mom, is not a full time job. It's a part of who you are but it's not the whole pie. I tell people I'm a housewife with no kids and they look at me like I'm an alien.

I feel like I have no identity. If I were pregnant or had kids I would be the mom-to-be or the stay-at- home mom. I would be part of the mom club. Instead I'm part of the infertility club which is a secret and shameful club that no one discusses or wants to be a part of.

I haven't worked in many years and if I went back to work today I would probably be lucky to make minimum wage in an office somewhere. I would have to start all over again and work my way up, which is something I'm used to doing but I just don't want to. I like to write (obviously) but that doesn't pay the bills. I like to do a lot of things-cook, read, for example-but nothing that really translates into a skill that I can be paid for.

I'm on the search for an identity. I'm more than just a housewife and I hope someday to be a mom but until then I have to find something else to occupy my time. Even if I'm not a mom or a CEO, I'm still a person who has thoughts and feelings. Every person should be respected. We shouldn't be labeled by who we are or who we want to be. We're all humans on this journey called life. We all have issues and problems that no one knows about. Let's respect each other and be nice to one another. Let's just make it to the end of the day, take a deep breathe, and get ready for tomorrow.