Sorry I haven't written in a while. Nothing new or different to report. My husband quit therapy and is still drinking. As a matter of fact, he passed out on the toilet last night. Sexy, right? I still go to therapy every week. I'm going to see my parents in April. My mother in law is flying down next month to babysit so we can have a date night but she's coming on a weekend when my husband has to work. That makes sense, right? And of course no one has asked my opinion about this whole matter. I guess I'm suppose to sit here and take it. A lot has happened that's not even worth talking about because it's all lies and games and bullshit. I won't even waste your time. When you live with an alcoholic that's pretty much standard.
I'm trying to be strong and not get sucked into all this garbage but I'm not happy and I'm trying to keep my head above water at this point. I've decided if I can't help myself that I will try to help others in any way I can. I just sent this little boy a birthday card. His mom asked if he wanted a party for his birthday and he told her he has no friends and everyone makes fun of him because he's autistic. His mom started a Facebook page for him called happy birthday Colin. You can either send him a card or post a message on his page. I thought I would send him a card. That's the least I could do. I'm going to look for more opportunities like that to help others. Maybe if I help enough people someone will help me or something good will happen to me. Karma, right? It can't hurt.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Changes - Cable
In an attempt to make positive changes in my life, I downgraded my cable to the most basic package. This will save me money and time. I lost a few favorite channels but there are other things to do in life than watch TV. This will motivate me to get off the couch and do something. I hope to get a life not watch it go by. I plan on reading and cooking more, and spending more time with my daughter. Now I have no excuse. I must think of something to do other than watch TV. I hope to make more positive changes in the future and I will keep you updated.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
No Respect
I'm a stay at home mom and that's a choice I made. I feel I'm doing the right thing by staying home with my daughter. Not every day is easy or fun. It's actually a lot of hard work, much harder than I thought it would be. I've thought about going back to work on the bad days. You always think the grass is greener on the other side until you get there.
What bothers me though is the way I'm treated especially by people who work. Just because I'm home doesn't mean I watch TV all day. I do have a schedule. It may be more flexible than yours but I have one. I do have things to do like child care, cleaning and cooking. Things you pay other people to do, I do all day long, every day. I don't get weekends, holidays or vacations. If anything, I work harder on those days. I remember birthdays because I care not because I have time to remember. I don't sit around and look at a calendar all day. I have things to do too, you know? I'm tired of hearing how busy working people are. I'm busy too. It's the same but different. Respect that.
Another thing that bothers me is that no one asks me how I'm doing or how my day went. I know my day is boring to you - dishes, laundry, diapers. Sometimes I'm bored too. And I know you do the same thing but it would be nice if someone asked or took an interest in me. Even my husband isn't interested in me anymore. I guess when you have a baby you're not fun or interesting.
I love being with my daughter and watching her grow but I hate the way the outside world treats me. I tell people I'm a stay at home mom and the conversation ends. I hate the fact that people don't respect me because I don't get dressed up, sit in traffic, go to an office and earn a paycheck. Being a mom is a part of my life not my whole life. I deserve respect too. Next time you meet a stay at home mom, ask her about her day and ask her if she needs help or a break or if she wants to do something fun because I can guarantee the answer will be yes.
What bothers me though is the way I'm treated especially by people who work. Just because I'm home doesn't mean I watch TV all day. I do have a schedule. It may be more flexible than yours but I have one. I do have things to do like child care, cleaning and cooking. Things you pay other people to do, I do all day long, every day. I don't get weekends, holidays or vacations. If anything, I work harder on those days. I remember birthdays because I care not because I have time to remember. I don't sit around and look at a calendar all day. I have things to do too, you know? I'm tired of hearing how busy working people are. I'm busy too. It's the same but different. Respect that.
Another thing that bothers me is that no one asks me how I'm doing or how my day went. I know my day is boring to you - dishes, laundry, diapers. Sometimes I'm bored too. And I know you do the same thing but it would be nice if someone asked or took an interest in me. Even my husband isn't interested in me anymore. I guess when you have a baby you're not fun or interesting.
I love being with my daughter and watching her grow but I hate the way the outside world treats me. I tell people I'm a stay at home mom and the conversation ends. I hate the fact that people don't respect me because I don't get dressed up, sit in traffic, go to an office and earn a paycheck. Being a mom is a part of my life not my whole life. I deserve respect too. Next time you meet a stay at home mom, ask her about her day and ask her if she needs help or a break or if she wants to do something fun because I can guarantee the answer will be yes.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Baby Jail
I feel like I had a baby and lost my life. I am now a stay at home mom, morning to night, seven days a week. I can no longer have fun or do anything social without lots of planning, a diaper bag and a stroller. Going from the house to the car alone takes about a half hour plus diaper changes and snacks. Everything must be planned and scheduled either around meal time or nap time. This is my life. I am a mom. Forget my husband and goodbye alone time. I am a mom. I love my daughter but she is a lot of work, time and patience. I can't even imagine having another child by choice. Of course, it doesn't help that we have no family nearby and my husband would rather be at a bar or drinking a twelve pack at home then socialize with us. I am desperately looking for other moms or activities to break me out of baby jail. Living in a small town doesn't help. It only makes me feel more isolated and alone. My husband's drinking doesn't help. No one does. I'm on my own. I'm not a single mom but a lonely one. No friends, no family, and an alcoholic husband. My daughter and I are trapped in a small house and a small town. How do I break out of baby jail and get a life? I love my daughter and I want to be with her but we need to get out and get away from here. We need to be with people who care and surround us with love and happiness. We deserve better and we deserve to be happy. We deserve to be free.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Seperate Lives
Sorry for the lack of posts but I just needed a break for a while to kind of figure things out.
Anyway, things have been the same. I feel like my husband and I are leading separate lives. He has his work life, his home life with me and our daughter, and then there's the third life. This life does not include me and is very secretive. It involves the cell phone, the computer, drinking, the bar, and other women. Sometimes I think I'm paranoid but there are too many signs. He's very sneaky with the cell phone and computer. He told me the other day he stays up late watching porn on the computer and apparently he's into older women now. That doesn't surprise me because we live in a town full of older, single, divorced, lonely women. It's his playground, my hell.
Me, on the other hand, I feel like I have no life. I need to get a life if I'm going to stay here but I feel like I'm starting from negative zero. My husband has work friends, bar friends, and female friends. At this point he has more female friends than me. It's hard to make a life when I want to be someplace else far away from here. I guess it's like being in prison for a crime you didn't commit and making the best of it but you're always trying to figure a way out. Sometimes I wish I would win a lot of money then I could just leave. I pray sometimes that God will help me find a way out but still be able to take care of me, my daughter, and my parents. I keep waiting for that window or door to open. I keep waiting for some sort of chance or new opportunity. All I want is to be happy and be with my daughter and parents and be with people who want to be around me. Is that too much to ask? I think I deserve that. I think I deserve happiness.
Anyway, things have been the same. I feel like my husband and I are leading separate lives. He has his work life, his home life with me and our daughter, and then there's the third life. This life does not include me and is very secretive. It involves the cell phone, the computer, drinking, the bar, and other women. Sometimes I think I'm paranoid but there are too many signs. He's very sneaky with the cell phone and computer. He told me the other day he stays up late watching porn on the computer and apparently he's into older women now. That doesn't surprise me because we live in a town full of older, single, divorced, lonely women. It's his playground, my hell.
Me, on the other hand, I feel like I have no life. I need to get a life if I'm going to stay here but I feel like I'm starting from negative zero. My husband has work friends, bar friends, and female friends. At this point he has more female friends than me. It's hard to make a life when I want to be someplace else far away from here. I guess it's like being in prison for a crime you didn't commit and making the best of it but you're always trying to figure a way out. Sometimes I wish I would win a lot of money then I could just leave. I pray sometimes that God will help me find a way out but still be able to take care of me, my daughter, and my parents. I keep waiting for that window or door to open. I keep waiting for some sort of chance or new opportunity. All I want is to be happy and be with my daughter and parents and be with people who want to be around me. Is that too much to ask? I think I deserve that. I think I deserve happiness.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Daily Update 11/16/2013
breakfast- banana and toast
lunch- pizza rolls (bad)
dinner- rice, beans and avocado
sleep- about 8 hours
exercise- none
other-
I'm frustrated. My husband and I go to marriage counseling and we're good for that day but then his weekend comes and everything goes downhill. I feel like I'm taking one step forward, twenty steps back every week. It just doesn't make sense. Every weekend is bar, drink, text. Thursday night was especially frustrating. He makes a point to tell me he's shutting off his phone and then a hour later I catch him texting in the kitchen. It took every bone in my body not to say anything. Of course, he said he was doing nothing wrong but then why the games? I wanted to talk about it but he was drunk and I knew he would just lie or blame me anyway so what's the point. I finally spoke to him this morning about it because it was bothering me so much. Of course, he says he's going to change, this weekend will be better, blah, blah blah. I've heard it all before. If only it was true.
lunch- pizza rolls (bad)
dinner- rice, beans and avocado
sleep- about 8 hours
exercise- none
other-
I'm frustrated. My husband and I go to marriage counseling and we're good for that day but then his weekend comes and everything goes downhill. I feel like I'm taking one step forward, twenty steps back every week. It just doesn't make sense. Every weekend is bar, drink, text. Thursday night was especially frustrating. He makes a point to tell me he's shutting off his phone and then a hour later I catch him texting in the kitchen. It took every bone in my body not to say anything. Of course, he said he was doing nothing wrong but then why the games? I wanted to talk about it but he was drunk and I knew he would just lie or blame me anyway so what's the point. I finally spoke to him this morning about it because it was bothering me so much. Of course, he says he's going to change, this weekend will be better, blah, blah blah. I've heard it all before. If only it was true.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Daily Update 11/15/2013
breakfast- toast and banana
lunch- hot pocket (bad)
dinner- fish, mashed potatoes, broccoli
sleep- about 8 hours
exercise- none
other-
Not much to report, same old, same old. My husband's weekend was pretty standard - bar, drink, text, repeat. We did have sex this morning which we haven't done in a long time. Hopefully that shuts him up for a while. All I hear from him is sex, sex, sex but he's always drunk, drunk, drunk. I don't think my husband gets how unattractive he is when he's drunk. The texting doesn't help either. Also, he doesn't brush his teeth before bed so in the morning it's like waking up next to a drunk, dirty dog. Yeah, that turns me on...not.
lunch- hot pocket (bad)
dinner- fish, mashed potatoes, broccoli
sleep- about 8 hours
exercise- none
other-
Not much to report, same old, same old. My husband's weekend was pretty standard - bar, drink, text, repeat. We did have sex this morning which we haven't done in a long time. Hopefully that shuts him up for a while. All I hear from him is sex, sex, sex but he's always drunk, drunk, drunk. I don't think my husband gets how unattractive he is when he's drunk. The texting doesn't help either. Also, he doesn't brush his teeth before bed so in the morning it's like waking up next to a drunk, dirty dog. Yeah, that turns me on...not.
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