Tired of Trying

Tired of trying,
trying to be someone else.
I'm nice and kind,
not evil and mean.
I'm a human being,
and I matter.
I have feelings and opinions,
I'm not just a shell.
I matter too,
just as much as you.

Letting Go

Standing on the edge
watching my dream slip away
there's nothing I can do
there's nothing I can say
if I let go, will it come back
or will all I have left is pain
don't pray for me or wish me well
it doesn't work
it doesn't help
you don't know my pain
just let me be
let me cry
it's time to say goodbye

Sea of Uncertainty

I live in a sea of uncertainty. I am floating in the ocean. It's dark. The waves are rolling me up and down like a roller coaster. I'm hanging on to a life preserver. I am alone. In the distance I can see several buoys scattered across the horizon. I don't know what their purpose is or if I will ever reach them. I am just floating helplessly. I have no control.

This is how I feel on a daily basis. My life is constantly changing from one drama to the next. I crave stability and envy people that have it. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe this is why I'm always on the edge. I realize I can't live my life like this but now it has a name and that name is uncertainty.

The floating helpless in the sea scenario helps put me at peace. We are never really in control. We like to think we are but we're not. Call it God or the universe but most things are out of our hands. We only have enough time to react like a car accident. Either we fight the oncoming waves and wait for help or let them carry us away into the great unknown.

No one wants their life to be boring but when things are constantly chaotic all you want is boredom. Some people seem to have a picture perfect life--loving family, good schools, successful career, marriage, house, kids. That's what everyone wants but that's certainly not what everyone gets.

Life has its ups and downs. Some people seem to have it all figured out and for all you know their lives could be falling apart. You have to ride the wave and hang on tight. We're all floating in a sea of uncertainty. Some people just handle it better than others and some people are lucky enough not to have as many waves to ride.

Sometimes I wish for a life of boredom but then when you're bored you want something exciting to happen. It's all about balance. We all want and need a home and family to rely on. We need safety, security, and stability. Sometimes you think you have it when you really don't. That's what the life preserver is for. We all need to hold onto something, something that will hopefully guide us in the right direction, wherever that may be.

The Pain of Infertility

This week I found out two of my friends are pregnant. Not that uncommon but I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friends but also sad for myself. Something that seems to come so naturally for others is not happening to me. It's just another reminder of what I don't have.

I'm at the age now where almost all of my family and friends have kids. Getting birth and pregnancy announcements is becoming as painful as a knife to the heart. I see baby pictures and wonder if that will ever be me or am I just dreaming.

Infertility is a lonely road. People act like they understand but they don't unless they've been in my shoes. And even couples with infertility issues refuse to talk about it or even acknowledge they have a problem. It's a lonely club to be in.

We keep trying and people keep giving me advice. From magic herbs to take, to prayer, to just telling me not to worry, it doesn't help. It's a physical and emotional pain. My body has failed me. There must be something wrong with me, right? If only it was that easy. Every month getting my period makes me cry. Another month of hoping down the drain.

But we keep trying and holding our heads high. We watch other people's children grow and hope that one day our turn will come. I'm happy for others that have kids but until I have my own there will always be a hole in my heart. I will not feel complete without a child in my life.

Maybe we weren't meant to have children but I can't accept that. Not yet, not now. We're still hoping, still trying. Trying to beat the biological clock that gets louder and louder as the years go on. All I can do is hope for the best and hope that one day our turn will come. 

Getting Older

I thought getting older would suck--it doesn't. Sure, I've gained weight and have wrinkles on my face, but I'm not talking about the physical stuff. I'm talking about mentally and emotionally getting older--and stronger.

The best part about getting older is the less I care. I wake up and I don't care. I'm in it for me. In my twenties, I wanted to please people, be everyone's friend, and always be the good girl. Basically, I rolled over like a dog and let people walk all over me. Not anymore. Now, I just don't care.

In my thirties, I'm more selfish. I care more about me and not what other people think or want. No one is going to take care of you except you. So why run around and please others who won't be there for you anyway. My top priority is me and my loved ones. Nothing else matters, and if you don't like that, then get the hell out of my way.

Another great thing about getting older is I'm more honest with myself and others. No more games, no more bullshit. I don't have the time for that anymore. I'm not going to pretend I'm someone I'm not. This is who I am, take it or leave it.

I'm also done faking it and acting like I'm happy when I'm not. The older I get, the more precious my time is, and I'm done wasting my time. I'm tired of it. I'm not going to sit somewhere and act happy when I'm not. Those days are over.

Getting older has empowered me. The physical stuff is going to happen anyway but mentally I'm stronger. I've learned from my mistakes. I've learned from my twenties and I'm not looking back. I don't want to be everyone's friend, I'm not going to please everybody, and, you know what, sometimes I'm not a good girl. So there, that's me being honest and I don't care what you think.

I'm getting older and loving it. I'm getting stronger everyday. Sometimes I wonder if I had felt like this in my twenties would my life be different. Would I be more successful or less. I don't know but I do know I can't look back, only forward. It's true wisdom does come with age and the older I get, the more confident I am.

Friends ARE Family

There's nothing like hearing from an old friend in a time of need to make you feel appreciated and loved. The fact that she choose me to write to, even though we haven't spoken in months, made me feel honored to be her friend. It also reminded me how important friends are. Friends may not be family by blood but they are family by choice.

They say you can't choose your family and that is certainly true. If you could choose your family (or your partner's family) would you really, honestly choose them? Even if you are family, what does that mean? I have family members I've never met. Some of them I haven't seen in twenty years. Ask me their phone number or address and I couldn't tell you. And to be honest, they have no interest in me either. Is this the definition of family?

But friends you can choose and they choose you. You can choose if you want to stay in contact or not. There is no obligation to attend this or that. A friendship is a much more casual relationship. Some days if I had to choose between spending time with a friend or a family member, many times I would choose a friend.

Being an only child has certainly influenced my friend over family belief system. I obviously have no brothers or sisters. I'll never have nieces or nephews on my side of the family. My grandparents are gone and my older aunts and uncles are slowly dying. Once my parents are gone, I'll have very little family. Friends are my new family. They're all I have left.

I treasure my friends and hope they'll be there for me for the long haul. The door is always open for family but I'm not going to chase you down to have a relationship with you. If you want to find me you know where I am. I guess being family doesn't mean much to some people. People get married and have kids and a far away family member gets forgotten. I get it - you're busy. When family lets you down, a friend is there to pick up the pieces. That's what friends are for, right? Who says family has to be blood related? Family is what you make it to be, it's the people that stick around. It's the people you can count on when you need them the most and if that's not the definition of family then I don't know what is.

Jumping Through Medical Hoops

When did medicine become more about paperwork and less about helping people? It's funny all the people you have to go through to see a doctor. Receptionists, office managers, nurses, and physicians assistants. All this to see a doctor who will probably see you for five minutes before walking out the door.

No matter what the issue, big or small, I always feel like a number. A stepping stone to the next appointment waiting down the hall. Look, I wouldn't be here if I didn't need to be. I'm here for help, so please help me instead of transferring my call or passing me along to the next person.

Nothing is more emotional than trying to have a child. These tests I have to take are not just routine, they will determine the rest of my life. This is important to me and I take it very seriously. Sometimes I think I take it more seriously than the person providing the test. When you want something so much, you'll do anything to get it, even if that means yelling at a know-it-all nurse once in a while.

Things get even more complicated the more people that are involved and if two separate doctor's offices are involved, forget it, something will fall between the cracks. You have to be your own advocate. Keep pushing until you get the results you want. After all, this is about you, isn't it? The patient, remember? But then again without paperwork and insurance, you're nothing. Patients have been reduced to numbers and files and insurance cards. You do not have a soul, just a body.

I get that doctors and nurses do and see this kind of stuff everyday, but I do not. I don't know what I'm doing and I 've never done this before so how can you expect me to make decisions in one minute or over the phone that will affect the rest of my life.

After spending a day dealing with doctors and nurses and tests, I walk away completely overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. The sad part is I haven't even gotten the test results yet, I'm still jumping through the hoops.