Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I'm Scared

I'm scared. I'm scared about my parents health and if they'll ever get to meet my baby. I'm scared about raising a baby. She is my responsibility no matter what. I'm responsible for her physically, emotionally, and financially. I'm scared about my marriage and if it's meant to last. I guess I'm scared of life and change, especially the bad and scary changes that keep you up at night.

I try to think positively but the darkness creeps in. What if? What if something bad happens? What if I get hurt? What if I get left alone? What will I do?

I know the best way to conquer fear is through action but what action do I take? What if I make the wrong choice? It's not just my life anymore, it's my daughter, my husband, my parents. We're all affected by the decisions I make.

My parents are ill and I can't be there and that hurts. I don't trust my husband entirely and that hurts. I can't be in two places at once and that hurts. The stronger the love, the more it hurts.

I can't live my entire life being scared but I do worry. Nothing is guaranteed. Every day is precious and a gift. We must make the most of it and have no regrets. Of course, that is easier said than done. I wouldn't be scared if I didn't care. I care so deeply it hurts. It's a double edged sword. I want my daughter to be happy. I want my parents to be ok. I want a husband I can love and trust. I just want everything to be ok.

I guess it's normal as a new mom to be scared and worried constantly. I guess it just goes with the territory. I want my daughter to have a home and family. I want her to know my parents. I want her to have friends and do well in school. I want her to be pretty. Having a baby has opened up my heart. I love more, and I'm scared more. Things are more intense. Life is more in focus.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Sex, Lies, Computers and Cell Phones

Dear Husband,

I love it when you lie to me, then tell me a half truth and expect me to believe it. Please don't ask me to spell words that you are obviously texting to another woman. Please don't tell me you're texting another man "aw shucks". That's a lie and we both know it. If you're texting who I think you are texting then I know (or at least I hope) it's not sexual, but then why won't you tell me who it is.

I think your middle name should be delete since that's your favorite thing to do. Ever since we got high speed internet you have the computer rigged to delete everything after someone signs off. When we had dial up it wasn't like that. Do you think I don't notice? Why do you go on the computer every time I leave the house? I leave the house for five minutes and you jump on the computer. Good thing we got high speed internet, right, honey?

Same thing with your cell phone. Delete, delete, delete (yes, I check your cell phone especially when you've been drinking and fall alseep on the couch.) It seems like the more you drink, the more you text. Years ago I caught you texting another woman inappropriate things. You lied to me, said you would stop and you didn't. So I had to call her because you could not control yourself. Not exactly the proudest moment of my life. I forgive but I don't forget. You never forget the pain of betrayal. So when you drink and text, I think about that incident and my antenna goes up.

This may be a game to you. You may think you're getting away with this. You may even think it's not officially cheating but it is. Anything that hurts me and causes me not to trust you is cheating. What hurts even more is soon we'll have a baby. We will be a family. This child will connect us for life. If you hurt me, you hurt her. If you hurt her, you hurt our chances of being a family. Is it worth it? You decide.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Calm Before the Storm

I thought having a baby would bring my husband and I closer together. I was wrong. Now we're both freaking out and dealing with it in different ways. I'm a bathroom cryer at midnight. My husband drinks and texts people instead of talking to me. I know something is off and I can feel the distance between us. Is it the baby or something else? I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and he'll blurt it all out. I don't know when or how bad it will be but I do know the storm is coming.

On top of that I have to deal with my mother-in-law. She wants to throw me a baby shower that I don't want - in another city where I don't live. I know she's being nice but it's not what I want. I don't want to offend her but I'm not going to do something that I don't want to do either. There's a fine line between being polite and offending someone. Storm number two is brewing.

My in-laws have graciously offered to buy us a crib and that's sweet but being a first time mom I have no idea what to look for or where to start. I don't have anyone to help me and I feel so lost and confused. Babyland is a confusing place to live. Not only do I have no idea what to buy for a baby, I have no idea how to take care of one either. This is why I cry in the bathroom at midnight while my husband sleeps off his beer in bed. We all have different ways of coping. Between my husband, my mother-in-law and the baby, my life has become the perfect storm of anxiety, excitement, and confusion.