Saturday, May 28, 2011

To Be In the Dark or Not

Sometimes I wonder whether it's better to be in the dark or know the truth. If you live in the dark you're oblivious to what's really going on around you. You walk around blissfully happy but if you know the truth what really can you about it anyways. You can scream and cry but that won't change anything. It is what it is. Is it better to know or not to know?

Sometimes being in the dark isn't a bad thing. Sometimes it's better not to know than to know especially when you can't change your situation. There are some things you can't change or stop no matter how hard you try. If someone is going to cheat on you or if an alcoholic is going to drink, you may not be able to stop them no matter what. It's going to happen and you're going to hurt. Then ask yourself do you really want to know.

Now if the truth is obvious then you must confront it. If it's obvious someone is cheating on you, then you must talk about it. If it's obvious someone is drinking too much, then you must confront it. Confronting the problem head on doesn't mean things will change. If they do change it doesn't mean it's always for the best. Things could get worse, stay the same, or get better. Just because you confront the truth doesn't change it. It is what it is. It's up to you to make the next move.

You can't change the truth and you can't run and hide from it. Sometimes it's better not to know. To go on living like everything is fine until it's impossible not to do so. Whether you know it or not, the outcome is still the same. You may choose to stay living with an alcoholic or a cheating spouse. You may act like everything is fine. You may forgive but the hurt is still there. Whether you know the truth or not, whether you stay or go, the hurt and pain remains. The damage is done.

Which is why I think I want to live in the dark for as long as possible. It's safe there, sometimes even comforting. When the light comes on, it will come on. I can't stop it. The I will know what the truth is. The pain will begin and I will have to make a choice and life will go on. But for now I just want to stay in the dark and hold on tight. It is always darkest before the dawn.   

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Finding What's Already There

I can feel myself getting stronger, while others are getting weaker. People who I thought were strong, now appear weak. My self-confidence is growing. At this point, I feel sorry for anyone who stands in my way.

The first thirty-something years of my life I barely made a peep. So quiet and shy, half the time no one knew I was there. I was always the good girl, doing my job well, never causing any trouble. The thing about that is it really doesn't get you anywhere in life. You never really advance, you just do your job. You try to be everyone's friend but not everyone is going to like you. It just doesn't get you anywhere but where you're already sitting.

Not anymore. The next thirty-something years of my life are going to be different. I'm in it for me. Call me selfish, but sometimes being nice doesn't get you anywhere. It's up to me to make it happen. Everyone is in it for themselves anyway. I'm simply joining the club.

Part of this is becoming debt free and free from the grasp of materialism and consumption. By doing this you are dependant on no one. You owe no one money and that gives you power. By not being into stuff, name brands, labels, and impressing people, you are at no one's mercy. I don't care what people think. It's not about them, it's about me. I like having money in the bank, gas in the car, and food on the table. Other than that I don't need much, and that makes me powerful. What I need is inside, not out.

The power and self-confidence I've always been looking for has been there the whole time. I just needed to find it and now that I have I feel more powerful than ever. You can call me names but I'm getting ahead. Either you're with me or against me but either way I'm moving forward. I got to do this for me because no one else will. I'm a powerful and independent woman and now I'm going to start living like one.    

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Little Children

Deep down inside we are all little children. That little person never leaves us. She's down there deep inside your soul and when you feel the pain she comes up to the surface.

The pain of childhood never leaves. It's a scar so deep it's in you forever. You can never forgot that feeling of being scared or lonely or shy and wanting and waiting for someone to comfort you. When those feelings return you become that little child again.

It all goes back to the playground or the classroom or home-not being part of the popular group, not getting invited to a party, not going to a dance. The situation doesn't matter, the feelings are the same. We all just want to be liked and included, as children and adults, and when that doesn't happen, the child comes out in all of us.

Do we ever really grow up? Our bodies may, but inside is different. We may act more mature and responsible but deep down, late at night, we wonder who likes us and who doesn't, do I fit in, am I wearing the right clothes.

We grow up and play roles-mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend. Does the child inside us ever grow up too? The pain of childhood lingers on. It shapes us into the adults we are today, good or bad. When we get hurt or sick, we go back to that little child for comfort. What would she do? What is she feeling? To heal the child we must heal ourselves. The child and adult are one in the same. You must make peace with her, acknowledge her, comfort her. You are her mother now, you are her friend. Treat her like you would want to be treated, and then go out and do the same to others. Heal the wound.