Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Five Steps of Life

1. Get up
2. Get through the day
3. Go to bed
4. Repeat
5. Die

Friday, November 4, 2011

A Poem I Found

I don't know who wrote this but it's beautiful.

With every tear that falls, there is a lost heart that calls,
it calls to say I'm here, don't despair, I will come to you.
When the time is right, when you least expect me and through
the quiet night, open your heart to me, accept me, I will be there in the end.
Your wait may be long, you may get frustrated by the whole ordeal,
in the end I will be real.
While others around you are succeeding, your heart goes on bleeding.
I would thank you for being patient,
I would thank you for being the kind of person who shows persistence,
if it was not for this I may never get the chance to have an existence.
In the chaos of your day, the calm of your night, let your heart soar and take flight.
For so many tears, for so many years, you have been trying, thinking of giving up
but never doing it.
In the end you just keep on going in the hopes I will come to you, the one who deserves me,
the one who can love me as no other can.
You will be that mother that you always wanted to be.
Just you keep waiting for me.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Two and a Half Years

I can't believe it's been two and a half years. I didn't think it would take this long. Obviously nothing is working. Doctors, surgery, medications, nothing works, but like fools we keep going back for more.

I'm sad, angry, and frustrated. I want answers not more appointments. I'm tired of being told to wait-wait 3 months, wait a year, things will change. Yeah. right. Nothing changes but my bank account.

I go to doctors and I'm at their mercy. I'm desperate and I want help. They have me where they want me and they know it. I'm putty in their hands. Not anymore. I'm taking charge of my own health. I'm not going to sit there and listen like a good little girl. I know they're the experts but I pay the bill. I want answers and I want a plan. Don't tell me to keep coming back for more. Give me everything you got. I don't have time to wait and try this and that. The clock is ticking and time is running out.

Two and a half years later and I'm still on step one. Step two seems so far away. Every month it gets further and further. I feel like I've tried everything and nothing has worked. If doctors can't help then who can. I thought God wanted a man and woman to procreate. Then why can't we. It's easy to be sad. It's harder to be proactive but the clock is ticking. It's always ticking and never stops. Weeks turn into months, months become a year, and the clock keeps ticking. It never stops and neither will I. 

Saturday, October 1, 2011

More Than Just a Wife

I want to be more than just a wife. I would like to be a mom too but as the months and years go by that's becoming increasingly difficult. A wife, unlike a mom, is not a full time job. It's a part of who you are but it's not the whole pie. I tell people I'm a housewife with no kids and they look at me like I'm an alien.

I feel like I have no identity. If I were pregnant or had kids I would be the mom-to-be or the stay-at- home mom. I would be part of the mom club. Instead I'm part of the infertility club which is a secret and shameful club that no one discusses or wants to be a part of.

I haven't worked in many years and if I went back to work today I would probably be lucky to make minimum wage in an office somewhere. I would have to start all over again and work my way up, which is something I'm used to doing but I just don't want to. I like to write (obviously) but that doesn't pay the bills. I like to do a lot of things-cook, read, for example-but nothing that really translates into a skill that I can be paid for.

I'm on the search for an identity. I'm more than just a housewife and I hope someday to be a mom but until then I have to find something else to occupy my time. Even if I'm not a mom or a CEO, I'm still a person who has thoughts and feelings. Every person should be respected. We shouldn't be labeled by who we are or who we want to be. We're all humans on this journey called life. We all have issues and problems that no one knows about. Let's respect each other and be nice to one another. Let's just make it to the end of the day, take a deep breathe, and get ready for tomorrow.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Back to My Roots

I'm tired of faking it. I'm tired of not being me both physically and emotionally. I'm even slowly going back to my natural hair color. The bubbly blond was someone else. I don't know her anymore. I don't want to fake it. I want to know the real me.

I feel darker. Darker like the roots on my head. I've gone from being optimistic to realistic as I get older. Not so much pessimistic but real. I can't even watch fiction on TV anymore because I know it's not real. It's a made up story with made up people. If I want fiction I'll read a book. I like things to be honest and natural. From my hair color, to TV shows, to people, I don't have time for games. If you want to play a game, I'll call you out. Don't mess with me. I'm not faking it and I'm not taking it anymore. Watch out world, I'm done faking it. I'm older, wiser and darker. I see the world for what it really is.

Tomorrow is no guarantee. We must live for today. Life is too short not to. There will be heartache and pain and hopefully some happiness. People come and go, so do jobs and money. It's all fluid. It's not really yours to begin with. We're all on a journey and wherever you are it's just a pit stop, not your final destination. There's no times for lies. The time is now. Stop faking it and start getting real. Get to know yourself first. You will be more powerful and secure. You come first. No one is going to take care of you better than you can. What you have today may be gone tomorrow. Get to know yourself and figure out your life. Once you do that the picture will become clearer. The clouds will part and you will see the sun. You will see things for how they really are and not what they should be and in that moment you will get a glimpse of the real you.   

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Fighting the Tide

I'm tired of fighting the tide and going against myself. Life is easier when you try to be yourself and not someone else. In the end, that's all you can be is yourself. That's all we got.

I'm tired of trying to impress people and be their friend. I'm tired of being nice and trying to be involved in other people's lives. I'm tired of trying to fit in where I'm obviously not welcomed. People either like you or they don't. You can't force friendship or love. It's there or it's not. Don't try to fight it. Accept it and move on. Easier said than done but for your own sanity and happiness you must move on.

I consider myself to be a nice person. I'm not mean or evil. I'm not the life of the party but I do like to laugh and have fun once in a while. I have a cell phone, email, and an online profile. If anyone wants to contact me they can. If they're nice, I'll gladly respond, it's that simple. I'm here waiting. If anyone wants to talk they can find me.  I'm tired of always trying and reaching out and being rejected.

I wish I was more popular. I wish I had more friends. I wish I was more talkative but I'm not. I can try to change those things but I still want to remain true to myself.

I think a lot of this comes with age. I like myself more. I spend more time trying to learn about me than anyone or anything else in my life. I finally realize it's easier to be me. I've stopped fighting myself. I'm not perfect and I never will be. I've accepted that. I'm me. I'm done trying to impress people and trying to be a friend to someone who's not interested. I have to be my own best friend. I rather have no friends than ten friends who stab me in the back. It's just not worth it.

True friendships and love are hard to find. Everyone's searching for it. We are human and are not perfect. We won't get along with everybody and even the people we love or like can get hurt along the way. At the end of the day, you have to be happy with yourself. You have to like yourself and know that no matter what others think about you, that you are a loving and caring person and you deserve to be happy.  

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

What's Next?

What do I do next and where do I go from here are questions I ask myself often. As I sit and wait for something good to happen, I still need to live my life. I can't focus on one thing or I'll go crazy.

Maybe if I don't focus so much on getting pregnant, it will happen. As much as I hate to be told to relax and not think about it, it may be the best thing I can do. Nothing is going to happen overnight and right now we're doing everything we can. Only time will tell if it works.

I need to start living again and finding reasons to really live and get out of bed in the morning. Nothing will replace my desire to have a baby but I need to focus on something that will get me through the day. Whether it's a job or travel or a new hobby, there has to be something out there to keep me occupied. There's more to life than just wanting a child.

As I move forward and wonder what's next, I know I have many options out there. I just can't do them all today or at once. Maybe next year we'll try something else but in the meantime I have to do something. I can't keep living on a hope and a dream. Dream time is over. It's time to wake up and face reality. It may take years to have a baby, if it happens at all. I have no control and there are no guarantees. Whatever plans I made are out the window. I can try to manipulate the situation but in the end it's up to my body, not me or a doctor, to make things happen. There's nothing I can do right now but live, and get through the day, one cycle at a time.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Plan B

I've been thinking a lot lately about what if we don't have kids or what if it takes another 2, 3, 4 years to conceive. What do I do in the meantime? Everyone must have a plan B or even C or D. I quit working thinking I would have a kid by now. I never thought in a million years we would have fertility problems. You always hear about it but you never think it's going to be you, especially when you're young and healthy.

As I wait, hope and pray to get pregnant, I sit...waiting. Waiting for something to happen. Even if I wanted to get a job, with one car that would be tough. So I sit and wait for something to happen. I feel like I'm on a plane, waiting to take off, anxious, excited but it's one unexplained delay after another. I'm in a holding pattern. I'm not going forward and I'm not looking back. I'm not going anywhere.

I thought a lot lately about going back to work and saving the money for either fertility treatments or plan B. I don't know what plan B is yet. It may include kids or it may not, it may include working, it may included moving, I don't know yet. It may include being married or not. In any case, there has to be a plan B. You can't depend on plan A to always work out. It doesn't work that way. I don't know what plan B is yet. It may be better or worse than my current situation. I won't know until I get there, but I have to be prepared. 

 

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Favorite Website...

babycenter.com - the reason I love this site is for the groups. Whether you're a mom, a mom-to-be, or trying to conceive, there's a group for you to join. Simply sign up and join a group, read comments and add your own thoughts and feelings. Great way to find people who are going through exactly what you are and who understand completely.

Infertility - Medical or Mental?

Infertility is a medical issue not a mental one. If you suffer from infertility you see doctors and have tests. It is not something you can wish or pray away. Taking a vacation won't help nor will getting a job to take your mind off things. Believe me, if it was that easy I would have done it but it's not.

If I had cancer you wouldn't tell me to relax or stop thinking about it too much. You would offer support and ask me how I'm doing. For some reason infertility is treated differently. People say you're trying too hard, just relax and it will happen. How do you know? Are you a doctor? Just because you have a child doesn't mean you're an expert on the reproductive system.

If I had a dime for every vitamin and herb I was suppose to take to get pregnant, I could open my own health food store. If these products actually worked there wouldn't be fertility drugs or clinics or specialists. If you don't have enough eggs or sperm to get the job done, no vitamin will help you. There is no magic pill.

I also hate it when people suggest adoption (usually these people have biological children of their own). As if adoption is so easy. Please point me in the direction of the nearest baby store. I want a child of my own like you. Don't suggest adoption unless you've tried it. It's very expensive and could take years. It's insulting. I want what you have. Please don't tell me to give up and go buy a baby. It's not a car or a house. You just can't buy children (legally).

I have a medical condition. I see doctors, take tests and use drugs. I want to be a parent and have a child that is a part of me and my husband. I want to experience pregnancy and birth. I want to have a family. Keep your opinions to yourself. Don't tell me what to do or feel unless you've been there. I need support and understanding, not critique and judgements. I already cry and pray for a miracle. I'm in pain and I feel broken and left behind. Please take my issue seriously and respect that it is a medical problem, not a mental one.    

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Favorite Website...

goop.com - if you love Gwyneth Paltrow and want to be her best friend but can't, this is the next best thing.

No Kid Zone

I've come to painfully realize that not everyone is meant to have kids. You don't have to have kids. Maybe I was kidding myself all these years. I got married and bought a house and naturally thought the next step was to have kids. Why not? Everyone else was doing it, so it must be the right thing to do, right?

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Sometimes you know this from the beginning and sometimes you figure it out along the way. I've never been a "baby person". Babies have always scared me. I don't know what to do with them after five minutes. I've never felt very maternal. I thought I wanted to be a mother but now I just don't know. Did I want to be a mother because everyone else was? Did I want to be a mother to please other people? Did I want to be a mother because I felt that was the next step into adulthood?

I'm not even close to my own mother. My mom was never the warm and fuzzy type. To be honest, I don't think she was meant to be a mother. Maybe it runs in the family. My mom just never seemed into it. I thought I was different but maybe I'm more like her than I care to admit.

I know people without kids and they seem happy. I don't know why they didn't have kids. Whether it's personal, medical, or circumstantial, it's none of my business. If I don't have kids I think I'll be okay. My life will be different but I will still have a life. Things will be okay. Life will go on and I will have to focus on different things. Maybe my life won't be as fulfilling or I'll be more selfish but I will only have me to worry about. I'll travel and do things I never thought I could do. I won't play it safe because I won't have to. I'm not responsible for anyone else. I'm going to try to enjoy myself, enjoy life, and try to have a good time. Life is too short not to.  

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Favorite Website...

www.thesimpledollar.com - Easy, basic financial advice in language you can understand, plus how to live a frugal lifestyle and be a better person. The Simple Dollar will simplify your life.

The Party's Over

I thought my life would be different. I thought by now I would be your typical, suburban soccer mom-chasing after kids, doing family activities, totally exhausted at the end of the day. But I'm not. I would give anything to be that mom.

I'm at the age where I no longer want to party. Just thinking about it makes me tired. In my twenties I did the clubs, bars and house parties. Now I rather stay home and read a book. I also don't drink as much as I used to. I don't need or want alcohol anymore. I prefer to stay in control of my actions. I don't need a drink to have a good time or be happy and relaxed.

Last night, my husband dragged me over to a friend's house for some late night beers (for him, not for me-always the designated driver). To be honest, it wasn't worth it. We both woke up the next morning tired as hell quickly realizing that were in our thirties not our twenties. I would rather stay at home changing diapers or rocking a baby to sleep but this is not my life.

Some people are forced to settle down, I want to settle down. I have a husband, a home, a cat, and now I just need a family to feel complete. Going out late at night and drinking my cares away isn't my definition of fun anymore. That's for the kids, I just want to be a mom.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Favorite Website...

mylitter.com - a savings website from a mom of seven! If anyone knows how to save, it's her. Full of deals, coupons, and ideas.

The Outsider

All my life all I ever wanted was to be included. To be part of the crowd and not outside it. To be inside and not on the outside looking in. All my life I wanted to be a part of a family, but the older I get the more alone I feel.

I want to be included but I don't know how to take the first step. I've always waited for the other person to approach or call me first. Maybe it's a self confidence problem or low self esteem. I'm not the most social person and people mistake that for rudeness but I long to be a part of something.

I've always wanted a family of my own and now I have to accept that that may not happen. I'm an only child from a small, older family. The relationship I thought I would have with my in-laws has never really fully developed. At this point in my life I have never felt more alone. My marriage isn't perfect and my friends are few and far between. I realize by not working and living in 5 different states, I may have dug myself into a hole. A hole where there is no one but myself to blame.

The people I thought would be there for are not. Friends come and go, and family either keeps in touch or doesn't.  Just because you're family doesn't mean they care. Just because you're friends now, doesn't mean you'll be friends in ten years. That's the way it is. Family is what you make it-blood or not. Friends are people who stick around and care about you and what you're doing. We all want to be included and a part of something. No one wants to be alone and that includes shy, quiet people like me. I'm not rude, I just don't know how to take the first step. I'm still trying to find out where I belong. I'm still trying to figure out who's there for me and who's not. It's not an easy process but in order to grow you must first pull out all the weeds. 

Friday, July 22, 2011

To Trust or Not To Trust

I think everyone want to trust the person they're with. You should be able to. If you're in a committed relationship, trust should not be an issue. It should just be there.

When you don't trust someone, even if it's just 1%, the issue is always there. Like a wound that leaves a scar, once your trust has been broken, you will never forget it. The pain may go away but the scar is still there. It reminds you of the pain.

I think every woman who sees their partner texting or emailing, wonders who's on the other end. He may say it's a friend or a family member, but you still wonder. There's always going to be that small part of you that wonders what's really going on.

The other part of the equation is that if he is cheating on you, you will get hurt and you will have to acknowledge it and deal with it. No one wants to hurt but you don't want to live a lie either. Decisions will have to be made and tears will flow. Do you trust him or do you even want to know.

Some men believe cheating is only physical. I do not. Don't get me wrong, physical cheating is a dealbreaker but emotional cheating hurts just as bad. Cheating is cheating. If it hurts your partner, it's cheating. If you have to lie and sneak around, it's cheating.

Trust is a double edge sword. You trust until it hurts and then you trust no more. The wound will heal and leave a scar. That scar will never let you forget that once you trusted another with all your heart, only to be betrayed. Once trust is gone, everything else will fall apart. So you better decide now, to trust or not to trust, that is the question.

Favorite Website...

athriftymom.com - thrifty living resources, coupons, deals, sales, etc. If you're looking to save money, this is a good place to go. Favorite part of the website is the live chat. Chat with readers or A Thrifty Mom herself, share thoughts and ideas on saving money. Very helpful.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

No More Mr. Nice Guy

In general, I think I'm a nice person. I try to be kind and polite to everyone I meet. I try. I don't go looking for trouble. But I'm also not a pushover either. Cross me and the claws come out. Bottom line is I don't take crap.

I'm a shy person and sometimes I'm afraid to speak up. Because of this I believe some people, especially when I was younger, took advantage of me. Part of it was my fault based on my personality. But the older I get, the more assertive I am. I'm not a pushover anymore, especially when I believe I'm right. I'm not taking anyone's crap. The good, quiet girl is gone and underneath is a volcano waiting to erupt.

There's the old saying nice guys finish last and I believe that to be true. Sometimes being nice doesn't cut it. If you want something, you have to go after it and not let anyone stand in your way. Not everyone is going to be your friend or wants to be. Business is business and don't take it personally. People say the squeaky wheel gets the oil. Sometimes you have to speak up even if it's against your personality. You can't let people walk all over you. Speak up and let them know you exist. You have a right to be heard even if you have to scream it from the top of your lungs. You can still be nice but don't be so nice that people take advantage of you. That's not right. The good, quiet girl I used to be has grown up and if the world around me won't take me seriously, it's time to make them. My time has come and it is now.  

Friday, July 8, 2011

An Infertile Woman

I don't know what to do anymore. I've cried, prayed, begged, visualized, repeated positive affirmations, and yet nothing seems to work. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I feel numb. Nothing we're doing is working. I'm afraid to have hope because every month it quickly turns into disappointment. I'm tired, boy, am I tired. Tired of trying so hard when others don't have to. Tired of seeing and hearing about other people getting pregnant and having babies. I can't look anymore at your pictures and read your posts. In order to protect myself I have to look away now. The pain is to great to bear.

I hate to say I don't care anymore because I will always want to get pregnant. But I can't look at baby pictures hoping and praying that one day that will be me. It's not that I don't care, I just can't think about it anymore. It hurts my head and my heart. It gives me hope and I don't want to hope anymore. I don't want to think anymore or stare at baby pictures. It hurts too much. The longer it takes, the more far away it feels. Now I have to walk away. The thought, the dream will always be there but I can't dwell on it or I'll go insane. So forgive me if I'm not excited about your pregnancy or if I don't want to hold your baby but I rather be stabbed a million times in the heart. You don't know my pain or what I'm going through . Don't try to relate. You're not in my shoes.

There comes a point in every situation when you need to face reality, and the reality is this may never happen. The thought alone kills me. Just thinking about it breaks my heart. I'll never stop trying or hoping but I have to let it go like a coin in a fountain and just hope that one day my wish will come true.

Friday, June 24, 2011

You Know You're Old When...

A typical Saturday night for me is waiting for my husband to come home from work, reheat dinner, watch TV, and go to bed, in that order. So imagine my surprise when my husband says he wants to go to a co-worker's house for a party after he gets home. Ugh. I haven't left the house at 11 pm on a Saturday night since I was single.  But my husband begged, saying we never go out, and that we'd only stay a couple of hours (yeah, right, heard that one before). So I went. I put on a nice shirt and jeans, minimal makeup, ready to go out when all I wanted to do was stay home.

We get to the party and we quickly realize that we are at least 10 years older than everybody there...at least. Can you say awkward. The girls all look like Snooki from The Jersey Shore-big, black hair, heavy makeup, 5 inch heels, tight clothes, and bodies not made for tight clothes. The guys all looked like wanna be gangsters. For entertainment, beer pong in the garage and loud music. Ten years ago maybe this would have been my scene but now as a thirty-something married woman trying to have a kid this isn't the direction I want my life to go in.

I wonder if this is cool now-girls looking like Snooki, guys who look and act like they want to be in a gang, even if they're not. If this is what's popular, count me out. Don't get me wrong, everyone was nice, and I didn't have the worst time but I didn't have the best time either.

I think my party days are over. You know you're old when you can't party with the young kids anymore. They got me beat. They can keep their loud music and beer games. I rather be at home. If that makes me old, then it makes me old. But actually I think it makes me wiser. There's nothing like going to a late Saturday night party in someone's garage to make me realize I'm not missing out on anything and it's definitely time to settle down.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Less TV, More Life

I want to improve my life and I'm not going to do that sitting on the couch watching endless, mindless hours of TV. Reality TV is slowly zapping my brain and any and all intelligence and for what purpose. If a TV show is not teaching me anything, it's not worth watching.

TV and movies have their place but it's not my life and it's not what matters to me the most. What matters to me is me, my husband and improving our life together. I need to stay centered and not lose focus of what's really important in life. I must have goals each and every day. I need to be creative and express myself. At this point in my life I don't think I could go back to a regular 9-5 job stuck in a cubicle watching the time go by. I need to figure out a way to be more creative and get paid for it. That's the catch. I'm not going to do that sitting on my butt watching someone else's life on TV. I have my own life to worry about. I need to be more interested in me than someone on TV. They don't care about me than why should I care about them.

Education never stops. We are constantly learning. Don't block that progress by sitting in front of the TV watching the latest and greatest reality show. Value yourself and your time. Focus on yourself and what's important to you. Turn off the TV and read something. Get off the couch and do something. Watch less TV and get a life.  

Saturday, May 28, 2011

To Be In the Dark or Not

Sometimes I wonder whether it's better to be in the dark or know the truth. If you live in the dark you're oblivious to what's really going on around you. You walk around blissfully happy but if you know the truth what really can you about it anyways. You can scream and cry but that won't change anything. It is what it is. Is it better to know or not to know?

Sometimes being in the dark isn't a bad thing. Sometimes it's better not to know than to know especially when you can't change your situation. There are some things you can't change or stop no matter how hard you try. If someone is going to cheat on you or if an alcoholic is going to drink, you may not be able to stop them no matter what. It's going to happen and you're going to hurt. Then ask yourself do you really want to know.

Now if the truth is obvious then you must confront it. If it's obvious someone is cheating on you, then you must talk about it. If it's obvious someone is drinking too much, then you must confront it. Confronting the problem head on doesn't mean things will change. If they do change it doesn't mean it's always for the best. Things could get worse, stay the same, or get better. Just because you confront the truth doesn't change it. It is what it is. It's up to you to make the next move.

You can't change the truth and you can't run and hide from it. Sometimes it's better not to know. To go on living like everything is fine until it's impossible not to do so. Whether you know it or not, the outcome is still the same. You may choose to stay living with an alcoholic or a cheating spouse. You may act like everything is fine. You may forgive but the hurt is still there. Whether you know the truth or not, whether you stay or go, the hurt and pain remains. The damage is done.

Which is why I think I want to live in the dark for as long as possible. It's safe there, sometimes even comforting. When the light comes on, it will come on. I can't stop it. The I will know what the truth is. The pain will begin and I will have to make a choice and life will go on. But for now I just want to stay in the dark and hold on tight. It is always darkest before the dawn.   

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Finding What's Already There

I can feel myself getting stronger, while others are getting weaker. People who I thought were strong, now appear weak. My self-confidence is growing. At this point, I feel sorry for anyone who stands in my way.

The first thirty-something years of my life I barely made a peep. So quiet and shy, half the time no one knew I was there. I was always the good girl, doing my job well, never causing any trouble. The thing about that is it really doesn't get you anywhere in life. You never really advance, you just do your job. You try to be everyone's friend but not everyone is going to like you. It just doesn't get you anywhere but where you're already sitting.

Not anymore. The next thirty-something years of my life are going to be different. I'm in it for me. Call me selfish, but sometimes being nice doesn't get you anywhere. It's up to me to make it happen. Everyone is in it for themselves anyway. I'm simply joining the club.

Part of this is becoming debt free and free from the grasp of materialism and consumption. By doing this you are dependant on no one. You owe no one money and that gives you power. By not being into stuff, name brands, labels, and impressing people, you are at no one's mercy. I don't care what people think. It's not about them, it's about me. I like having money in the bank, gas in the car, and food on the table. Other than that I don't need much, and that makes me powerful. What I need is inside, not out.

The power and self-confidence I've always been looking for has been there the whole time. I just needed to find it and now that I have I feel more powerful than ever. You can call me names but I'm getting ahead. Either you're with me or against me but either way I'm moving forward. I got to do this for me because no one else will. I'm a powerful and independent woman and now I'm going to start living like one.    

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Little Children

Deep down inside we are all little children. That little person never leaves us. She's down there deep inside your soul and when you feel the pain she comes up to the surface.

The pain of childhood never leaves. It's a scar so deep it's in you forever. You can never forgot that feeling of being scared or lonely or shy and wanting and waiting for someone to comfort you. When those feelings return you become that little child again.

It all goes back to the playground or the classroom or home-not being part of the popular group, not getting invited to a party, not going to a dance. The situation doesn't matter, the feelings are the same. We all just want to be liked and included, as children and adults, and when that doesn't happen, the child comes out in all of us.

Do we ever really grow up? Our bodies may, but inside is different. We may act more mature and responsible but deep down, late at night, we wonder who likes us and who doesn't, do I fit in, am I wearing the right clothes.

We grow up and play roles-mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend. Does the child inside us ever grow up too? The pain of childhood lingers on. It shapes us into the adults we are today, good or bad. When we get hurt or sick, we go back to that little child for comfort. What would she do? What is she feeling? To heal the child we must heal ourselves. The child and adult are one in the same. You must make peace with her, acknowledge her, comfort her. You are her mother now, you are her friend. Treat her like you would want to be treated, and then go out and do the same to others. Heal the wound. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Truth and Honesty - Let's Get Real

I am in a constant quest for truth and honesty. I'm tired of playing games and beating around the bush. All I want now is truth and honesty from myself and others. In a sometimes materialistic, narcissistic world, everyone and everything seems fake. So-called reality shows are not really reality. It's what they want you to see. I don't believe anyone's life is that interesting, whether you're rich or poor, famous or not.

Truth and honesty starts with yourself. You can't find it on others until you find it in yourself first. Look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. When you're not pretending to be someone else or something you're not, things get a lot easier. Your expectations are not as high.

Once you're being honest with yourself, you can start to find it in others. Look beyond the crap and look into that person's soul. You may almost feel clairvoyant. Don't take things at face value. Ask questions and get to the bottom of things. Somewhere deep down is the fountain of truth. It may not always be pretty but it's real and that's what you want.

I believe we're all selfish people, some more than others. No one does anything without getting something in return. Even if you volunteer, you may not get paid money, but you feel good about yourself. That's the payoff. If you can find someone else's payoff, that's gold. Motivation is the key. We all get out of bed in the morning for someone or something. Find that reason and be honest. Not everyone is doing what they love. Not everyone is in a happy relationship.

Sometimes honesty and truth can hurt. But in the end, isn't it better to be honest, then to have years of lies and unhappiness. What a waste of time. If we could all be honest then maybe we could save ourselves a lot of heartache and move on. Let's all walk in the truth and be honest, not only with ourselves, but each other. We'll be better people for it and maybe the world would be a better place.  

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Like Me, Do You?

I've recently come to realize (at probably a late age) that the things I do I need to do for me not others. I need to make myself happy not someone else. I have to like myself first before others will even look at me.

I've never been the popular girl and probably never will be. I'm shy and quiet. I've always wanted people to  like me though. I don't want to be the center of attention ( a shy persons nightmare) but I would like to be acknowledge now and then as a living, breathing person who has feelings and opinions, though not always easily shown.

I used to think that if I was really pretty or successful I would get attention. Maybe then people would look at me and not over me. Now I realize if I get attention for that, it would be for all the wrong reasons. I should want to be those things for me, not to please or get the attention of others.

I don't know why people don't like me. If people would take the time to get to know me they would find I'm a really nice and funny person. My husband likes me so I can't be that bad. I've never intentionally hurt someone. I'm not a crazy person, either. I know my personality works against me but just because I'm not the life of the party doesn't mean I don't want to get invited. I want to be there and would like to be included. All I want is a seat at the table. If you give me a chance I think you would like what you see because, finally, I'm starting to like me too.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Good Wife

I am a good wife. I know that with all my heart and soul. I can sleep peacefully at night knowing this. I have moved, quit working, cooked and cleaned. I am a good wife. I know this to be true. Whatever my husband does I know it's not my fault. I have done the best I can. I'm not perfect and neither is he. Our relationship is not perfect. If something's wrong or missing, we need to talk about it, not reach out in different directions.

I take pride in being a good wife. I didn't get married to get divorced. We've been together a long time and didn't rush into marriage. I'm not willing to walk away from that but if I have to I will. There's two ways this will end-divorce or death. Sorry, but there's no easy way out.

I once heard someone describe marriage as a marathon not a sprint. I couldn't agree more. Marriage is something that constantly needs to be worked on. If you're married and you think your work is done, you're wrong. The work is never done.

Never take your marriage or each other for granted. The day you do is the day you find out about the other woman. That will be your wake-up call (and it's not really a wake-up call but more like a sledgehammer to the chest).

I am a good wife and I've done the best I can. In a relationship of two, one can only do so much. The other half needs to hold up his end of the bargain. I've done my part, I've put in my time, the question is will you do yours?  

Monday, March 21, 2011

The One True Thing

The one thing I really want may be out of my reach. The one thing I would sacrifice anything for may be gone. The one thing I thought I could do may be impossible.

Let me explain. As an adult female, I didn't get the chance to have a wedding or a bridal shower or a honeymoon. I skipped the shower and got married at city hall. Nothing wrong with that. It's cheap and quick but definitely not romantic. That's just the way it is.

We couldn't afford a wedding or a honeymoon and didn't have tons of family support for either. That's fine, I thought, I'm not a girly-girl anyway. I was looking towards the future.

I don't come from a big family. I'm an only child. No brothers and sisters mean no nieces and nephews. I wouldn't say my parents and I are close. That's my family situation and that's the way it is. I can't change that.

The one thing I've always wanted was a family of my own. I thought that would be something that I could control. I thought it was a given. Apparently, it's not. Maybe I waited too long. I was chasing after other things. It was not a priority until I got married and bought a house in my mid-thirties. We have three bedrooms-a master bedroom, an office/guest room, and a third room. The third room currently sits empty, like a hole in my heart, just waiting to be filled.

I thought that would be the easy part. My God-given right as a woman to produce a child. What could stop me now? Not money, not family, not social status. This would finally be my moment to have, and now it may never happen.

If I am lucky enough to get pregnant, I probably won't have a baby shower (that's fine too, I hate those things anyway). Another sacrifice I'm willing to make to achieve my final goal. I may not have much, but this is the one thing I want more than anything. The one true thing.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Cooking Is Your Friend, Not the Enemy

I hate it when women brag about how they can't cook. Everyone needs to eat, and unless you can afford to go out every night, you need to do some form of cooking. Cooking is not that hard. Do not be afraid of the kitchen. You need to eat and guys like a woman who can cook. Just because you know how to cook doesn't mean you'll automatically end up barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

I had to teach myself how to cook. Growing up, my mom always cooked and she hated it. The only time my dad went into the kitchen was to get a snack. My mom never taught me how to cook. I think she was afraid to let me near the stove. When I left home, I barely knew how to boil water.

All that changed when I met my husband. I am extremely lucky that he likes to cook so I got off easy for many years. But then he took a night class and I had to cook. What I discovered is that cooking wasn't that hard and over time I have come to actually enjoy it.

I taught myself to cook with the help of TV shows, cookbooks, and recipes online. I'm not the greatest cook but I can put together a meal and not make you sick.

The more you cook, the more confident you will be. So do not be afraid of the kitchen. Knowing how to cook is a great asset and it's not a woman-only thing anymore. You'll save money and eat healthier, and anyone you cook for will thank you for it too. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Be Open

Open your mind,
Open your eyes,
Open your heart,
Open your arms,
Open your lungs,
Open to opportunities,
Open to new possibilities,
Be open to life.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Tired of Caring

Tired of caring,
tired of trying,
tired of chasing people down,
Why should I care,
when you obviously don't,
I give up,
I give in,
I'm letting go,
I'm not wasting my energy or time,
gotta move forward,
and ease my mind.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

How to Build Self-Confidence

  • Dress well
  • Walk fast
  • Good posture
  • Compliment others
  • Sit in the front row
  • Speak up
  • Work out
  • Contribute something in every situation
  • Groom yourself
  • Think positive
  • Kill negative thoughts
  • Act positive
  • Get to know yourself
  • Be kind and generous
  • Be prepared
  • Speak slowly
  • Know your principles
  • Focus on solutions, not problems
  • Smile :)
  • Volunteer
  • Be grateful
  • No one is perfect
  • Make eye contact
  • Change your inner voice
  • Find the next step
  • Reframe the situation from negative to positive
  • Meditate
  • Forget others standards
  • Ask questions
  • Say please and thank you
  • Give of yourself
  • Help others

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Wardrobe Essentials

Coats-

Trench Coat
Vest
Leather Jacket

Sweaters-

Cardigan
V neck
Crew neck
Cashmere
Turtleneck

Jewelry-

Watch
Statement Necklace
Cocktail Ring
Cuff
Gold Hoops
Diamonds-necklace/earrings
Pearls-necklace/earrings
Gold/Silver Jewelry
Inexpensive Jewelry

Shoes-

Flats
Boots
Red/Nude/Leopard Print Shoes
Sneakers
Pumps

Clothes-

Black Dress
Blazer
Jeans
Pencil Skirt
Dress Pants
Wrap Dress/Top
T-Shirts
Tank Top

Accessories-

Black Tights
Scarfs
Belts-skinny/wide
Sunglasses
Evening/Day Purse

Colors/Prints-

Black
White
Navy
Pinstripe
Red
Neutrals
Leopard Print
Snakeskin

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Tired of Trying

Tired of trying,
trying to be someone else.
I'm nice and kind,
not evil and mean.
I'm a human being,
and I matter.
I have feelings and opinions,
I'm not just a shell.
I matter too,
just as much as you.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Letting Go

Standing on the edge
watching my dream slip away
there's nothing I can do
there's nothing I can say
if I let go, will it come back
or will all I have left is pain
don't pray for me or wish me well
it doesn't work
it doesn't help
you don't know my pain
just let me be
let me cry
it's time to say goodbye