The Outsider

All my life all I ever wanted was to be included. To be part of the crowd and not outside it. To be inside and not on the outside looking in. All my life I wanted to be a part of a family, but the older I get the more alone I feel.

I want to be included but I don't know how to take the first step. I've always waited for the other person to approach or call me first. Maybe it's a self confidence problem or low self esteem. I'm not the most social person and people mistake that for rudeness but I long to be a part of something.

I've always wanted a family of my own and now I have to accept that that may not happen. I'm an only child from a small, older family. The relationship I thought I would have with my in-laws has never really fully developed. At this point in my life I have never felt more alone. My marriage isn't perfect and my friends are few and far between. I realize by not working and living in 5 different states, I may have dug myself into a hole. A hole where there is no one but myself to blame.

The people I thought would be there for are not. Friends come and go, and family either keeps in touch or doesn't.  Just because you're family doesn't mean they care. Just because you're friends now, doesn't mean you'll be friends in ten years. That's the way it is. Family is what you make it-blood or not. Friends are people who stick around and care about you and what you're doing. We all want to be included and a part of something. No one wants to be alone and that includes shy, quiet people like me. I'm not rude, I just don't know how to take the first step. I'm still trying to find out where I belong. I'm still trying to figure out who's there for me and who's not. It's not an easy process but in order to grow you must first pull out all the weeds.