Three Good Things

Things here are not good and I have no idea how to make them better. I've come to the conclusion that on some level I've been emotionally abused. My husband doesn't call me names but he's not very nice to me either. I don't feel respected or supported. I know half of this is my fault. I let him do this to me. My lack of self esteem has allowed him to walk all over me. I feel trapped, suffocated and alone like an animal in a cage. There's no way out and I'm running out of ideas to make this work.

There are three things holding me together at this point - my daughter, my parents, and my therapist. I love being with my daughter, I look forward to talking to my parents and hopefully seeing them again soon, and I look forward to talking to my therapist every week. Therapy is a like a spa for your head. I walk out feeling refreshed until my next appointment. Those are the three things that keep me going. I have to focus on those three things.

The one thing that brings me down is my husband. His drinking is like a black cloud that is always around us. There is nothing between us anymore. His drinking disgusts me. I wish I didn't have to be around someone who is so sick and in such denial. He brings me down but I have three things that bring me up. I must focus on those three things like my life depends on it, because it does.

Intentions

What is your intention? Intention is your purpose. It can be anything really. What you want out of life, what you want to happen this year, this month, or this week. Once you have your intention, you need to take action. Don't just sit there and let time pass you by. Start by breaking down your intention into small goals. The small steps you take today will lead you to your true intention. Start today and focus on what you can do to make changes or to make things happen. Don't wait until the day before or when your older etc. Those are excuses. Focus on today and take an action step for a better tomorrow.

Here are some examples to help you get started. You want to go on a trip but you need to save money. How are you going to do that? Let's break it down. You can use coupons to save money, buy things on sale, buy used, shop at thrift stores and garage sales, find free things to do in your community. There's your action plan. Another example is trying to lose weight and get healthy. You know you need to exercise and eat right. Break it down into small steps. Try walking everyday or having a salad for lunch instead of fast food. Your intention is to lose weight, you create an action plan, and now do it everyday. Of course there will be days you fall off the wagon and eat cake or skip walking but that's ok. Reset your focus on tomorrow. Don't give up.

In any given situation, always ask yourself what's your intention. Figure that out and focus on it. Make it happen by breaking it down into little steps and take action. This will lead you to your true purpose for a better and happier life.

Internal Conflicts

Sometimes I feel like there is a tug of war going on in my head and heart. I live in one place but sometimes I wish I was someplace else. I'm married but sometimes I don't want to be around my husband. I know I need to go out more and be more social but sometimes I just want to stay home. I know I have to visit my in laws sooner or later but again, I don't want to. What makes it harder is I don't have a lot of choices in these matters. Not a lot of good choices anyway. I'm stuck. I think these issues is what contributes to my current mental state. I'm living a life I don't want to live and there's nothing I can do about it. That's why I'm so depressed, sad, lonely and bored. I finally figured it out. I know I need to make the best of it and accept things for how they really are but there's a part of me that wishes I was someplace else, with someone else. I know that place I would be happy because I've been there before. It's called home.

Good Week, Bad Week

Good week, bad week, good week, bad week, that's how it goes. I saw my therapist last week and told her things were improving. Little did I know. Just when I think things are going well I get slapped in the face. I won't go into detail but I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm tired that my husband won't accept responsibility for his actions or being part of this relationship. I'm tired of games and lies. I'm tired of it and I don't know what to do. I'm done. This week was bad, hopefully next week will be better but who knows.

Running from Loneliness

My biggest fear is being alone. Even though I'm married and have a child I feel very alone. If my marriage doesn't work out and I'm forced to stay where I'm currently living ( I don't want to but due to custody issues I might have to) I will be even more alone than I already feel. The one thing that I've been afraid of all my life is slowly happening and it's all my fault. I think when you're afraid of something, you invite that fear into your life. My fear of loneliness has made me cling to some people and pushed others away. Now I have dug myself into a hole and I can't see a way out. I'm running from something I already have. Now what do I do?

My Doormat Moment

You know how Oprah has her a-ha moments, well I have doormat moments and one happened last night. My mother in law called me last night and told me to do something that she thought I already knew about. I didn't. Apparently my father in law was suppose to tell my husband who was suppose to tell me. I didn't know we were in grade school again playing games. Why my mother in law didn't call or email me directly and ASK me to do her a favor I will never understand. I'm not a dog and I don't like being told what to do. I'm a human being with feelings and I liked to be asked. Just because I'm a stay at home mom doesn't mean I sit around all day waiting for something to do.

It's hard to stand up for yourself. Especially when you're not used to doing it but some people need to learn a lesson. If something involves me I need to be asked not told, no matter what my schedule looks like. Standing up for yourself is scary but also powerful. I am in control of my life and my time. I choose how to spend it and who I spend it with. Not only do I need to remind myself of that but also other people. This is my life.

Life Equations

Boundaries = Respect

If you have boundaries, you have respect. This includes respect for yourself and respect for other people's boundaries as well. Don't be afraid to say no. Protect and take care of yourself.

Choices = Consequences

We have the power to make choices everyday. Some choices are big and small, some are positive and negative. All choices have consequences. If you make a choice, plan on dealing with consequences.

Power = Control

If you have power over your mind and body then you are in control. If you let someone else have that power then you are no longer in control. Don't give your power away. Don't let someone else control you.

My New Mantra

I found this online. It's the three principles of self-referral by Deepak Chopra.

1. I am totally independent of the good or bad opinions of others.
2. I am beneath no one, and no one is beneath me.
3. I am fearless in the face of all challenges.

Live it, love it, learn it. I plan on saying this many times a day until I get it. I hope it helps you too.

Update 2/14/2014

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Nothing new or different to report. My husband quit therapy and is still drinking. As a matter of fact, he passed out on the toilet last night. Sexy, right? I still go to therapy every week. I'm going to see my parents in April. My mother in law is flying down next month to babysit so we can have a date night but she's coming on a weekend when my husband has to work. That makes sense, right? And of course no one has asked my opinion about this whole matter. I guess I'm suppose to sit here and take it. A lot has happened that's not even worth talking about because it's all lies and games and bullshit. I won't even waste your time. When you live with an alcoholic that's pretty much standard.

I'm trying to be strong and not get sucked into all this garbage but I'm not happy and I'm trying to keep my head above water at this point. I've decided if I can't help myself that I will try to help others in any way I can. I just sent this little boy a birthday card. His mom asked if he wanted a party for his birthday and he told her he has no friends and everyone makes fun of him because he's autistic. His mom started a Facebook page for him called happy birthday Colin. You can either send him a card or post a message on his page. I thought I would send him a card. That's the least I could do. I'm going to look for more opportunities like that to help others. Maybe if I help enough people someone will help me or something good will happen to me. Karma, right? It can't hurt.

Changes - Cable

In an attempt to make positive changes in my life, I downgraded my cable to the most basic package. This will save me money and time. I lost a few favorite channels but there are other things to do in life than watch TV. This will motivate me to get off the couch and do something. I hope to get a life not watch it go by. I plan on reading and cooking more, and spending more time with my daughter. Now I have no excuse. I must think of something to do other than watch TV. I hope to make more positive changes in the future and I will keep you updated.