Sea of Uncertainty

I live in a sea of uncertainty. I am floating in the ocean. It's dark. The waves are rolling me up and down like a roller coaster. I'm hanging on to a life preserver. I am alone. In the distance I can see several buoys scattered across the horizon. I don't know what their purpose is or if I will ever reach them. I am just floating helplessly. I have no control.

This is how I feel on a daily basis. My life is constantly changing from one drama to the next. I crave stability and envy people that have it. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe this is why I'm always on the edge. I realize I can't live my life like this but now it has a name and that name is uncertainty.

The floating helpless in the sea scenario helps put me at peace. We are never really in control. We like to think we are but we're not. Call it God or the universe but most things are out of our hands. We only have enough time to react like a car accident. Either we fight the oncoming waves and wait for help or let them carry us away into the great unknown.

No one wants their life to be boring but when things are constantly chaotic all you want is boredom. Some people seem to have a picture perfect life--loving family, good schools, successful career, marriage, house, kids. That's what everyone wants but that's certainly not what everyone gets.

Life has its ups and downs. Some people seem to have it all figured out and for all you know their lives could be falling apart. You have to ride the wave and hang on tight. We're all floating in a sea of uncertainty. Some people just handle it better than others and some people are lucky enough not to have as many waves to ride.

Sometimes I wish for a life of boredom but then when you're bored you want something exciting to happen. It's all about balance. We all want and need a home and family to rely on. We need safety, security, and stability. Sometimes you think you have it when you really don't. That's what the life preserver is for. We all need to hold onto something, something that will hopefully guide us in the right direction, wherever that may be.

The Pain of Infertility

This week I found out two of my friends are pregnant. Not that uncommon but I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friends but also sad for myself. Something that seems to come so naturally for others is not happening to me. It's just another reminder of what I don't have.

I'm at the age now where almost all of my family and friends have kids. Getting birth and pregnancy announcements is becoming as painful as a knife to the heart. I see baby pictures and wonder if that will ever be me or am I just dreaming.

Infertility is a lonely road. People act like they understand but they don't unless they've been in my shoes. And even couples with infertility issues refuse to talk about it or even acknowledge they have a problem. It's a lonely club to be in.

We keep trying and people keep giving me advice. From magic herbs to take, to prayer, to just telling me not to worry, it doesn't help. It's a physical and emotional pain. My body has failed me. There must be something wrong with me, right? If only it was that easy. Every month getting my period makes me cry. Another month of hoping down the drain.

But we keep trying and holding our heads high. We watch other people's children grow and hope that one day our turn will come. I'm happy for others that have kids but until I have my own there will always be a hole in my heart. I will not feel complete without a child in my life.

Maybe we weren't meant to have children but I can't accept that. Not yet, not now. We're still hoping, still trying. Trying to beat the biological clock that gets louder and louder as the years go on. All I can do is hope for the best and hope that one day our turn will come. 

Getting Older

I thought getting older would suck--it doesn't. Sure, I've gained weight and have wrinkles on my face, but I'm not talking about the physical stuff. I'm talking about mentally and emotionally getting older--and stronger.

The best part about getting older is the less I care. I wake up and I don't care. I'm in it for me. In my twenties, I wanted to please people, be everyone's friend, and always be the good girl. Basically, I rolled over like a dog and let people walk all over me. Not anymore. Now, I just don't care.

In my thirties, I'm more selfish. I care more about me and not what other people think or want. No one is going to take care of you except you. So why run around and please others who won't be there for you anyway. My top priority is me and my loved ones. Nothing else matters, and if you don't like that, then get the hell out of my way.

Another great thing about getting older is I'm more honest with myself and others. No more games, no more bullshit. I don't have the time for that anymore. I'm not going to pretend I'm someone I'm not. This is who I am, take it or leave it.

I'm also done faking it and acting like I'm happy when I'm not. The older I get, the more precious my time is, and I'm done wasting my time. I'm tired of it. I'm not going to sit somewhere and act happy when I'm not. Those days are over.

Getting older has empowered me. The physical stuff is going to happen anyway but mentally I'm stronger. I've learned from my mistakes. I've learned from my twenties and I'm not looking back. I don't want to be everyone's friend, I'm not going to please everybody, and, you know what, sometimes I'm not a good girl. So there, that's me being honest and I don't care what you think.

I'm getting older and loving it. I'm getting stronger everyday. Sometimes I wonder if I had felt like this in my twenties would my life be different. Would I be more successful or less. I don't know but I do know I can't look back, only forward. It's true wisdom does come with age and the older I get, the more confident I am.

Friends ARE Family

There's nothing like hearing from an old friend in a time of need to make you feel appreciated and loved. The fact that she choose me to write to, even though we haven't spoken in months, made me feel honored to be her friend. It also reminded me how important friends are. Friends may not be family by blood but they are family by choice.

They say you can't choose your family and that is certainly true. If you could choose your family (or your partner's family) would you really, honestly choose them? Even if you are family, what does that mean? I have family members I've never met. Some of them I haven't seen in twenty years. Ask me their phone number or address and I couldn't tell you. And to be honest, they have no interest in me either. Is this the definition of family?

But friends you can choose and they choose you. You can choose if you want to stay in contact or not. There is no obligation to attend this or that. A friendship is a much more casual relationship. Some days if I had to choose between spending time with a friend or a family member, many times I would choose a friend.

Being an only child has certainly influenced my friend over family belief system. I obviously have no brothers or sisters. I'll never have nieces or nephews on my side of the family. My grandparents are gone and my older aunts and uncles are slowly dying. Once my parents are gone, I'll have very little family. Friends are my new family. They're all I have left.

I treasure my friends and hope they'll be there for me for the long haul. The door is always open for family but I'm not going to chase you down to have a relationship with you. If you want to find me you know where I am. I guess being family doesn't mean much to some people. People get married and have kids and a far away family member gets forgotten. I get it - you're busy. When family lets you down, a friend is there to pick up the pieces. That's what friends are for, right? Who says family has to be blood related? Family is what you make it to be, it's the people that stick around. It's the people you can count on when you need them the most and if that's not the definition of family then I don't know what is.

Jumping Through Medical Hoops

When did medicine become more about paperwork and less about helping people? It's funny all the people you have to go through to see a doctor. Receptionists, office managers, nurses, and physicians assistants. All this to see a doctor who will probably see you for five minutes before walking out the door.

No matter what the issue, big or small, I always feel like a number. A stepping stone to the next appointment waiting down the hall. Look, I wouldn't be here if I didn't need to be. I'm here for help, so please help me instead of transferring my call or passing me along to the next person.

Nothing is more emotional than trying to have a child. These tests I have to take are not just routine, they will determine the rest of my life. This is important to me and I take it very seriously. Sometimes I think I take it more seriously than the person providing the test. When you want something so much, you'll do anything to get it, even if that means yelling at a know-it-all nurse once in a while.

Things get even more complicated the more people that are involved and if two separate doctor's offices are involved, forget it, something will fall between the cracks. You have to be your own advocate. Keep pushing until you get the results you want. After all, this is about you, isn't it? The patient, remember? But then again without paperwork and insurance, you're nothing. Patients have been reduced to numbers and files and insurance cards. You do not have a soul, just a body.

I get that doctors and nurses do and see this kind of stuff everyday, but I do not. I don't know what I'm doing and I 've never done this before so how can you expect me to make decisions in one minute or over the phone that will affect the rest of my life.

After spending a day dealing with doctors and nurses and tests, I walk away completely overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. The sad part is I haven't even gotten the test results yet, I'm still jumping through the hoops. 

The Broke American

I am so tired of being broke. Every Christmas, every vacation, I never have any money. I know most of it is my fault. I have way too much credit card debt at a high interest rate. But as much as I save, scrimp, use coupons, buy generic, buy things on sale, I never have enough money left over. Where does it all go?

Is it the economy or just my bad money saving habits? Everything is going up except incomes. My husband didn't get a scheduled raise this year, is forced to take furlough days, and is paying more for health insurance. How can we save when everything is going up? Does the whole country have to go broke to bring prices down? Maybe we should all go into foreclosure and claim bankruptcy and start from scratch.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to live an exorbitant lifestyle. I just want enough to be comfortable, is that too much to ask? I want the American dream just like everybody else. I'm starting to think it really is a dream, a dream we all blindly chase until at some point in our lives you give up and realize it's not coming true.

I'm tired of playing the game. I got a college education because I was told I would be better off, but I'm not. I got a job, several jobs, showed up on time, did my job to the best of my ability, and in the end all I got was a pat on the back. I'm playing the game and I'm losing-big time.

It seems at this point in my life I will never catch up. I'm in my mid-thirties, have more debt than savings, and very little in retirement. When I was young I was very naive. Of course when you're young (late teens to mid-twenties young) you're fed a bunch of crap about life. You may no longer believe in Santa or the Easter bunny, but now you're suppose to believe in the power of a good education will lead to a high paying career (notice I said career, not job-big difference), you'll get married, buy a house, and have beautiful, smart children. If you believe in that crap, then you might as well still believe in Santa and the Easter bunny. Good luck, young people, because it doesn't always happen that way.

When I was young, I had a dream to take care of my parents and give them all the things they sacrificed for me. Now, every year, I look forward to the check they still send me at Christmas. I also naively believed that my income would steadily rise as I got older. Wrong-not only hasn't that happened  but my income has slowly decreased over the years while my credit card debt has increased (along with the interest and minimum payments).

I know life's not easy and life's not fair but I'm at the point of giving up. Why play the game when the odds are stacked up against you? I've seriously thought about defaulting on my credit cards. Sure, I can afford the minimum payments, but why keep paying it? At this rate, it will take me the next twenty years to pay it off and then maybe I'll get to retire, but only if social security is still available. At the end of the day, after the bills are paid, gas is in the car, food on the table, I'll have nothing left to give and sadly America neither will you. 

Don't Be Dependent On a Man

Ladies, don't be dependant on a man. Don't ever lose your independence. Once you lose it, you will slowly lose yourself.

I moved to a new state where I didn't know anybody. I quit working and became a housewife. Mistake one and two. I have no friends locally. My job skills are eroding. I have more debt than savings. If my husband left me today, I would have nothing.

I gave up my independence to be a housewife, but was it worth it? I was promised to be taken care of, but for how long? I wake up every day waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I can quickly go from wife to homeless and unemployed in a minute.

Being married doesn't mean you have to lose yourself. Marriage should be about blending two lives into one, not taking one away. If you become dependant on a man, you are guaranteed nothing. The minute he walks, you lose.

Some women may like being dependant on a man. That's great if you're married to a millionaire, but if you're middle class, living paycheck to paycheck, being dependant on a man is a different story. A scary story.

If you are ever dependant on a man for whatever reason, never lose your friends and always keep up your skills. No man is worth losing that. By becoming dependant on someone else, you isolate yourself from the outside world and that world can become a boring and lonely place. The longer you are isolated, the harder it is to break free. I know when I go back to work my skills will be behind and I will have to start at the bottom and work my way up. In some ways I regret becoming a housewife. Some people think I'm lucky, but at what cost?

Being dependant on someone is not worth it. You lose more than you gain. More importantly, you lose yourself. The only person you should be dependant on is you. At least when you let yourself down you have no one to blame but yourself. The best part is you can pull yourself back up. You have your own back and that's the way it should be.

Isn't that how little girls are raised? To be independent. Then how come so many of us are concerned about what the guy does for a living and how much he makes? Are we only independent until marriage? After marriage are we dependant on our husbands and our paychecks become shopping money?

My income depends on someone else. That's a lot of pressure to support someone else. Sometimes I feel guilty by not contributing financially. I miss getting a paycheck that was all my own. I miss having an identity that wasn't tied to someone else's existence.

I took a gamble and became a housewife. I thought I'd won but in the end I'll probably lose. I don't blame my husband, I made this choice. I am too far down this road to turn back, but if I had to do it all over again I would definitely choose me over him.

What Happened to Privacy?

Whether you're married or dating, what stays private? Or in this age of texting and social media, is anything really private anymore?

I believe that anything that happens in the bedroom is strictly confidential. Same goes for anything in a doctors' office too. Anything having to do with my body, inside or out, is also considered personal business.

When you're in a relationship obviously some of these things have to be shared and should be if you love and trust your partner. But what stays between the two of you? And who are you allowed to share certain information with?

Some people are more open than others. Others are more private even to the ones they love. Neither one is right or wrong. It all boils down to personal preference. But what happens when one person is private and the other is more open? One word: conflict.

Being private myself, I am not one to share unless I absolutely have to. I don't know why I am so private. I keep my cards closely guarded to my chest like a poker player except the cards are my feelings and I'm playing against the world. I am constantly wearing my poker face.

My husband is more open, sometimes too open in my opinion. As a private person I can only cringe in horror as I hear him talk about things to others that I believe should be private. Maybe that should be added to the wedding vows-thou shall not spill the others' beans even to close friends and family no matter how much alcohol has been consumed in the process. Amen.

Now, of course, we all have some sort of best friend or confidant that we turn to in times of crisis for advice. I, myself, have such a person. She lives in another state and we mostly communicate by email. I know I can tell her anything and she will keep my secrets. She is my version of Switzerland, a neutral third party I can turn to. But what happens when you or your partner's bestie or confidant is a family member? A family member you have to see at holidays or family events. A family member who knows all your secrets and personal information. Is this fair to the other person or is this an invasion of privacy?

When you or your partner is open with a friend, it's a different story. A friend usually knows how to keep their mouth shut. This is the job of a good friend. If a friend spills your secrets, it's simple, she is no longer a friend. But when that person is a family member, it's different. Families usually gossip whether it's around the dinner table or on the phone. Sooner or later you stop talking about yourselves and start talking about that cousin you haven't seen in twenty years. Is privacy out the door because your family or is it a right that because we're family we all have to know everything about each other? Where do we draw the line?

I draw the line at my mouth. Sometimes you have to know when to shut it. I still believe some things are left between a husband and wife. Just because we have cell phones now and social media doesn't mean my former preschool classmate gets to know the current state of my marriage.  And I'm sorry to say, even though we're family, whether by blood or marriage, doesn't give you the right to know everything about me. Some things are better left unsaid or is it untexted or unposted now?

Either way I'm shutting my mouth and I hope my partner does too. We all know way too much about each other. We don't have to know what happens in other peoples' bedrooms or doctors' office. These places have doors for a reason. Keep them closed. Respect your partners privacy. Just because you have a cell phone or an online page does not mean you have to share everything with the world.

I married my partner for a reason-to share my love, my life, and my feelings intimately with him and only him. This commitment does not extend to family and friends. Not by a long shot. I'm sorry but there's only room for two on this journey and along the way I'll send you a postcard or two but please don't ask for anymore information that that. This journey and this life is between the two of us.

A Modern Day Housewife

Yes, I am a housewife, and no, I do not have kids. When people ask me if I work and I say no, the next question is always do I have kids. The answer is also no. Usually when I answer the second part of the question you would have thought I was speaking a foreign language. People tilt their heads and scrunch up their faces. The next reaction is usually silence or a polite response. I can actually see people try to process this idea in their heads. It seems as though a housewife is an extinct creature. One you only see in the movies but didn't know they actually existed in real life.

I get that housewives are rare and little girls no longer grow up wanting to play homemaker. I am a housewife by choice, and no, I do not sit around and watch TV all day eating bon bons.  I may not get dressed up and work in an office, but I have plenty of things to do.

There are downsides to being a housewife. One is people know I'm home all the time and assume I have nothing to do. This makes it hard to turn down unwanted invites. How do you tell someone you would rather stay home then go to their event?  I can't be sick all the time.

Another downside is boredom and loneliness. I am alone for most of the day. I can always find things to do. There is always something that needs cleaning and it seems the dishes and laundry are never done. The one thing I don't have is a lifeline. Social networking and email help fill the void temporarily but only if I choose to participate. I can talk to my cat but it's pretty much a one-sided conversation. TV fills the void at night until my husband comes home from work with stories about his day. My day, on the other hand, is not so interesting.

Don't assume that since I'm a housewife that I'm rich and can afford to stay at home. My husband and I make sacrifices constantly. For us going out to eat is a treat and not a weekly event.  We do not go on lavish vacations. I buy generic, clip coupons, and look for things on sale. We sacrifice for this kind of lifestyle. It is a choice. The extra money I could bring in working would help, but then due to my husband's work schedule we would not see each other very much. We sacrifice the extra money for time together and time is one thing a paycheck can't buy.

Being a housewife does not mean I have thrown my career ambitions out the door. One day I will go back to work. One day I will probably have to go back to work. I have a college degree and hope to one day have some sort of meaningful career. But for now I am a housewife and I rather do that then work some job I hate.

Being a housewife is work. I work on my home and my paycheck comes from my husband. I can't call in sick or work overtime. I'm really no different than a working woman. I just don't "work" and I don't have kids.  My home is my office and, in some ways, my husband is my boss.

Being a housewife is not as glamorous as you see on TV. I actually do not know any other housewives without kids. I do know a few stay at home moms but from what I see their lives are not very glamorous either. I do not dress up everyday, sometimes I don't even wash my hair or put on make-up. Trust me, no one wants to see that on TV, not even me.

It seems that staying home with kids is more socially acceptable. If you have kids then you must be busy. This is not to say that one day I don't hope to transition from housewife to stay at home mom. This is one of the reasons I am a housewife. But until that time comes, yes, I am a housewife, and, no, I do not have kids.

Women Are Not My Friends

I've never been the type of girl to have a lot of girlfriends. I don't know why. I can count on one hand the number of close girlfriends I've had my entire life.

I find true friendship with women incredibly difficult. I would rather hang around men or even be by myself. Being married, I spent most of my free time with my husband. Even though we live together and see each other every day, nothing beats spending quality time together. A friendship with a woman would have to be pretty special to take me away from that.

Friendships with women seem to come with so many strings attached. It's almost like every woman is looking for a mirror image of themselves. If one does not like your hair, the way you dress, your weight, or age, you are out or considered competition.

When I meet another woman I can actually see them judging me by their eyes, looking at me from top to bottom to see if I fit the friend profile or am I a threat to them.

I thought us girls were suppose to stick together, defend and support each other. But most of the time I feel constantly stabbed in the back from other women.

Women will be your friend only if you are not a threat to them. If you're better looking, we can't go out. If you're thinner or fatter, we can't go shopping together. You can be my friend but you have to make me look and feel good, if not better, about myself.

Friendships with women only become more complicated when men are involved. This complicates the friendship factor. If a woman isn't your friend it seems that your man is fair game. Sometimes even being married doesn't stop other women.

Look ladies, if you want to flirt with my man once, that's fine, but once you find out he's married hands off. Don't think becoming friends with me will help either or make you feel better. If you're after my man I can tell. What you think about me doesn't matter.

Also, old girlfriends, listen up too.  Don't think you can come back into my man's life years later and snatch him away with your charm. There's a reason you two aren't together anymore. He's married, move on, what you had is over. I'm sorry you're sad and lonely, but finding an old boyfriend isn't going to make you feel any better.

I know women are complicated creatures with many emotions. One woman's friend is another woman's enemy. If you want to be my friend, be a friend, no strings attached. If you want my man, just admit it, and bring it on.

I guess all women are not friends. I think in the end gender doesn't matter. We are all out for ourselves. A girlfriend can become an enemy in a matter of minutes. One fight and you're no longer BFF. A man gets involved and a fight becomes a catfight. The stakes are higher, a man is the prize.

I would like to have more girlfriends but as you get older, marry, and have kids, this type of relationship becomes harder and harder to achieve. I have no problems being friends with men. I can relax and not be judged. We can be open and honest. There's no fashion show. I don't need to get my nails done or guzzle a bottle of wine.  I can just be me.

Why are female relationships so complicated? Maybe we are too complicated for are own good. Maybe we make it that way. My husband can make friends with anyone, anywhere. Do you like beer? Then you're my friend. Done deal. Do you like football? Then you're my friend too. Done.

It seems like if a woman isn't supporting you, she's against you. If your friends, you're friends, if not you're the enemy. It's high school all over again.

Most of my close girlfriends are women I've known since childhood. Back in the day when we were innocent and boys were gross, the friendships were formed. If we've been friends this long, I suspect we'll continue being friends.

Women, I'll respect you if you respect me. Respect the fact that I'm married and my man is off limits. Respect the way I dress and act and I'll respect you. Maybe we won't be friends, that's okay, but we don't have to be enemies either.

Cheating and The Other Woman

Dear Other Woman,

I don't know who you think you are or what you think you are doing. I'm on to you and your game. I don't care what you think about me. I don't like you, I don't trust you, and I especially don't like the relationship you have with my husband. These feelings will never change. One day you and I will have a conversation. One day, other woman, you will know how I feel and you will have to explain yourself.

Dear Husband,

I don't know what you are doing. I don't understand why you would jeopardize our relationship. You know how I feel but you obviously don't seem to care. I am not going to put up with this forever. You may think you're sneaky and clever but cheating is the oldest game in the book. One day, you or she will screw up and I will find out...again. Until then, let's act like nothing's wrong, okay?

When is cheating actually considered cheating? When does it cross the line? In this day and age it's hard to tell. People no longer need to physically touch each other to cheat. We have replaced hands and mouths with other forms of communication.

No doubt technology has made our lives easier. It's also made it easier to cheat. Cell phones, computers, email, there's nothing that can't be hidden nowadays. Good if you're a government agent, bad if you're married.

Obviously, let me state for the record, anything physical is cheating. From hand-holding to sex, it's cheating in my book. But what about all the other stuff? All the gray area that is up for interpretation. Let's look into a few of these areas.

How one dresses, for example. If a female friend or co-worker of your partner comes over to meet the wife for the first time and she's wearing provocative clothing...in winter, what do you think? Okay, I won't judge a book by it's dirty cover, but I do think it says a lot. Inappropriate to say the least.

How about if a woman sends your partner a photo of herself in a bikini? Is that cheating? But on who's part? The woman for sending it or the man for looking. Is that cheating or poor taste?

Then there's cell phone calls and texting. Need I say more. The lines have become blurred and I can't see straight. Whatever is considered cheating nowadays or friendly flirting, when you find out the hard way it still hurts-physical or not.

Cheating, lying, sneaking around is the oldest game in the book. Sooner or later someone will find out or screw up. It takes a lot of hard work and effort to cheat, screw up once and you're done.

Is it worth it? What's the benefit? I almost envy the other woman. She gets all the benefits but does none of the work. I'm here in the trenches cooking and cleaning, waiting for my partner to come home. What is she doing? Going out on dates, having other men buy her dinner, and then if it doesn't work out she comes home and contacts my partner. I would like to trade places with her. Maybe then she will see the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

I know it's not entirely the other woman's fault. Men are not saints, especially mine. It takes two to tango. He chooses to talk to her. He chooses the tone of the conversation. He knows how I feel and he is not at all innocent.

So, you have the other woman, the man, and the wife. Where do I stand? I don't know. I'll be here in the gray area trying to figure it all out.

Marriage Is a Scam

Society and the media sell marriage starting from childhood. You, little girl, are a princess and on your wedding day you will be the ultimate princess and marry your prince. Then you will live happily ever after, right? WRONG.

Who wants to be a princess anyway? What does a princess do? Cook and clean? Is that the job of a princess? Please show me the job description because this isn't what I signed up for.

Society and the media sell weddings, honeymoons, marriage, kids, etc. Have the white wedding, go on a tropical honeymoon, buy a house, have kids, and you'll be happy. The why are we so unhappy?

Once you are married, society and the media doesn't even respect it. Sexual images are everywhere. You may be married, have the house in the suburbs, two kids, but don't you dare turn on the TV or computer. Even society doesn't respect marriage. Men and women think it's okay to flirt even if one or both of them is married. Flirting is okay, it's harmless, right? My partner will never know.  But what happens when your partner finds out, it is still harmless? Probably not. Nice try. See you in divorce court. If society and the media doesn't respect marriage, then why should we?

No wonder marriage is failing. Is it really worth getting into in the first place? Who would buy marriage if it was packaged and sold on a shelf? There are no guarantees, may not work, and it's very expensive. Sure, that sounds great, let's buy this marriage thing. Everybody else is.

What we are sold in the end is absolutely nothing. There are no guarantees, no happy endings, no happily ever after. You are not a princess and he is not a prince. In the end, a wedding is an overpriced party paid for by mom and dad who probably can't afford it anyway.

We're sold a dream, and unlike theme parks, dreams don't always come true. Keep your expectations low. The wedding and the honeymoon are the high points. It all goes downhill from there. How low is up to you.

No one tells you how hard marriage is. Why? Because it's not pretty, and white, and it doesn't come with a cake. When a marriage ends or comes close to an end, there is nothing to sell but broken hearts. And who wants to buy that?

Sometimes marriage comes down to the facts. You get a marriage certificate, a shiny ring on your finger, and a name change. Is that it? Pretty much. Marriage changes nothing. The problems won't go away. In fact, they might get worse, but you're married, right? You'll get through it. Maybe. Just don't ask a divorce lawyer.

I'm not against marriage, it can work. Just keep your eyes and ears open. Lower your expectations. Wedding and honeymoons are an illusion and a distraction from the real thing. I want all marriages to work but I believe from day one they are set up to fail. If marriage was a product no one would buy it. It's not pretty and we have no one to blame but ourselves. Society and the media build it up and you get to watch it all fall down from the comfort of your own home surrounded by wedding pictures and gifts. Sounds fun, doesn't it?

How do people stay married for so long? Is it luck? Did they find the right partner or did they just settle along the way? Are we all settling or do we deserve better? Is this it? Do we stop the marriage train or do we keep going? Sometimes I want to get off before it turns into a horrible train wreck. Isn't that what we're all destined for anyway?

So is the purpose of marriage to have children? Apparently not. I bet everybody knows at least one person who has had a child out of wedlock. Is there anything wrong with that? Absolutely not. Once you have a child you will always be a parent. Once you get married will you always be a spouse? Not if you don't want to. Parenting and marriage do not go hand in hand anymore. One does not need the other. What does this say about marriage? What does it say about us and society as a whole? So if not children, then what is the point of marriage?

Who will give us the answer? Society and the media? I don't think so. Other couples? I don't think so either. Every marriage is unique and different and everyone has their own answer, good or bad. But please, when someone figures it out, let me know.