Saturday, November 30, 2013

Seperate Lives

Sorry for the lack of posts but I just needed a break for a while to kind of figure things out.

Anyway, things have been the same. I feel like my husband and I are leading separate lives. He has his work life, his home life with me and our daughter, and then there's the third life. This life does not include me and is very secretive. It involves the cell phone, the computer, drinking, the bar, and other women. Sometimes I think I'm paranoid but there are too many signs. He's very sneaky with the cell phone and computer. He told me the other day he stays up late watching porn on the computer and apparently he's into older women now. That doesn't surprise me because we live in a town full of older, single, divorced, lonely women. It's his playground, my hell.

Me, on the other hand, I feel like I have no life. I need to get a life if I'm going to stay here but I feel like I'm starting from negative zero. My husband has work friends, bar friends, and female friends. At this point he has more female friends than me. It's hard to make a life when I want to be someplace else far away from here. I guess it's like being in prison for a crime you didn't commit and making the best of it but you're always trying to figure a way out. Sometimes I wish I would win a lot of money then I could just leave. I pray sometimes that God will help me find a way out but still be able to take care of me, my daughter, and my parents. I keep waiting for that window or door to open. I keep waiting for some sort of chance or new opportunity. All I want is to be happy and be with my daughter and parents and be with people who want to be around me. Is that too much to ask? I think I deserve that. I think I deserve happiness.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Daily Update 11/16/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- pizza rolls (bad)

dinner- rice, beans and avocado

sleep- about 8 hours

exercise- none

other-

I'm frustrated. My husband and I go to marriage counseling and we're good for that day but then his weekend comes and everything goes downhill. I feel like I'm taking one step forward, twenty steps back every week. It just doesn't make sense. Every weekend is bar, drink, text. Thursday night was especially frustrating. He makes a point to tell me he's shutting off his phone and then a hour later I catch him texting in the kitchen. It took every bone in my body not to say anything. Of course, he said he was doing nothing wrong but then why the games? I wanted to talk about it but he was drunk and I knew he would just lie or blame me anyway so what's the point. I finally spoke to him this morning about it because it was bothering me so much. Of course, he says he's going to change, this weekend will be better, blah, blah blah. I've heard it all before. If only it was true.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Daily Update 11/15/2013

breakfast- toast and banana

lunch- hot pocket (bad)

dinner- fish, mashed potatoes, broccoli

sleep- about 8 hours

exercise- none

other-

Not much to report, same old, same old. My husband's weekend was pretty standard - bar, drink, text, repeat. We did have sex this morning which we haven't done in a long time. Hopefully that shuts him up for a while. All I hear from him is sex, sex, sex but he's always drunk, drunk, drunk. I don't think my husband gets how unattractive he is when he's drunk. The texting doesn't help either. Also, he doesn't brush his teeth before bed so in the morning it's like waking up next to a drunk, dirty dog. Yeah, that turns me on...not.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Daily Update 11/11/2013

breakfast- toast

lunch- beefaroni (bad)

dinner- eggplant parmesan

sleep- 7 hours

exercise- none

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Daily Update 11/10/2013

breakfast- banana and toast

lunch- eggs and sausage

dinner- chili

sleep- about 8 hours

exercise- none

other-

My husband is back to his normal shift so things are back to normal. I didn't mind him working day shift except it gave him more time to drink at night than working swing shift. I met that girl yesterday that also sees my therapist and we seemed to hit it off. She has a son who is the same age as my daughter and hopefully we can get together and do playdates. She seemed really nice and smart.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Daily Update 11/5/2013

breakfast- toast

lunch- leftover linguine with clams

dinner- tacos

sleep- about 8 hours

exercise- none, too cold

other-

I got to see my therapist yesterday and I feel so much better. I was ready to pack my bags and go but my therapist calmed me down. She's such a nice lady. I feel bad for her because her new secretary quit, the other therapist had a baby, and she has to have surgery. She didn't say what kind of surgery but I hope she's ok. I need her! My husband is working day shift this week so my schedule is upside down but we'll be back to normal on Sunday. I just got a phone call from the girl my therapist gave my number to. I didn't answer because my daughter is sleeping. I'll call her back later and maybe we could meet. I understand she's in the same situation I am- new baby, no family here, except she works and her husband stays home. Interesting. I hope she's nice and we hit it off. It would be nice to have a friend here.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

What is Normal?

My husband's weekend totally sucked again. Wednesday he spent two hours at the bar making Halloween bags for the employees' kids. Apparently he works there now. He comes home all happy and talks about what a good time he had, meanwhile I'm at home with the baby. I asked him who he hangs out with at the bar and he says mostly female bartenders and waitresses. What a surprise. I've been told there all old and married but that's never stopped anyone before. Then he precedes to drink and text all night. We try to have sex that night (his idea, not mine) but he's too drunk.

Thursday was Halloween. The best part was taking my daughter trick or treating for the first time. Other than that everything sucked. My husband went to the bar again. He was in charge of handing out candy. When he wasn't handing out candy he was on his phone texting and drinking. My breaking point was when he took a shower and he took his phone into the bathroom with him. Who does that? Is that normal? I don't do that. I finally knocked on the bathroom door and confronted him. We got into a fight in front of our daughter and then he went to bed at 9:45 pm. He was out of beer and I busted him texting in the bathroom so why stay up anymore. I barely slept all night and when I was awake the only thing that brought me comfort was thinking about being with my parents.

Friday morning he had the nerve to ask for sex. Of course, he had forgotten about everything the night before. Don't worry I reminded him and needless to say we didn't have sex. My husband says I don't have a life and I don't do anything but if living is going to a bar, coming home and drinking a twelve pack, being on your phone all night and ignoring your family, then I rather stay home and read a book. Is that normal? I don't know. I don't know what normal people do. I live with an alcoholic. My life is a constant roller coaster and I want to get off. I want to be normal.