Seperate Lives

Sorry for the lack of posts but I just needed a break for a while to kind of figure things out.

Anyway, things have been the same. I feel like my husband and I are leading separate lives. He has his work life, his home life with me and our daughter, and then there's the third life. This life does not include me and is very secretive. It involves the cell phone, the computer, drinking, the bar, and other women. Sometimes I think I'm paranoid but there are too many signs. He's very sneaky with the cell phone and computer. He told me the other day he stays up late watching porn on the computer and apparently he's into older women now. That doesn't surprise me because we live in a town full of older, single, divorced, lonely women. It's his playground, my hell.

Me, on the other hand, I feel like I have no life. I need to get a life if I'm going to stay here but I feel like I'm starting from negative zero. My husband has work friends, bar friends, and female friends. At this point he has more female friends than me. It's hard to make a life when I want to be someplace else far away from here. I guess it's like being in prison for a crime you didn't commit and making the best of it but you're always trying to figure a way out. Sometimes I wish I would win a lot of money then I could just leave. I pray sometimes that God will help me find a way out but still be able to take care of me, my daughter, and my parents. I keep waiting for that window or door to open. I keep waiting for some sort of chance or new opportunity. All I want is to be happy and be with my daughter and parents and be with people who want to be around me. Is that too much to ask? I think I deserve that. I think I deserve happiness.